Rambling on

A short blog for short thoughts,

I'm scattered, I'm not all here I'm everywhere. Not in an omnipotent sort of way but you know what I mean.

Once again I find myself over thinking situations and putting on false hopes for things to come it's nearly 3am once again and I'm in thought.

Today pretty much was lame in more than one way but I'm bound to have shitty days (for lack of better words).

The current problems I'm having are throwing me off I know I'll get through it but I'm running out of hope.

I should be asleep but I'm not for many and multiple reasons so I guess I'll just ramble and jot down some more thoughts on here.

The song I'm currently listening to is making me sad, sadder than what I feel and am.

I need something to believe in and I hope it comes sooner than I expect.

I need some air to breathe I feel as if I'm asphyxiating.

I have no where to exit the stage and the audience is a tough crowd for me this week.

Please come soon,
The Eccedentesiast

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Listening to: Green Day - Scattered
via FoxyTunes

Kiss me Baybeh

Pros and cons about relationships are up on the air. Relationships are nice to a certain extent but I've been really reluctant into tangling myself in one once again. I've grown into liking being on my own so far, no drama no worrying about fulfilling someones desires just doing what I want. Especially now knowing how hectic things are getting for me in a way.

On the other hand I've missed having someone to run into and just hugging for hours. Or that insatiable flutter that my heart feels when affection overfills it. Even the having someones hand to hold on to holding it for the hell of it. Kissing someone spontaneously feeling the warmth someone else other than you gives off. I love relationships I just don't like having them end or get too serious too quick.

Maybe I am a little love sick, and maybe I am feeling like a noble gas aloof and alone but... it's OK. I won't die because I don't have someone to share my affections with but in seriousness I just need to find someone who has the same likings as I. From music, books, movies, clothing, colors, beliefs, thoughts and attitude. I know I want a complex individual who isn't read easy like a book to others but to me like a work of art. I know it's so much to ask for like I'm in a Disney Princess movie but I want to find him.

I don't care that my brother-in-law calls me "Cinderella" when he sees me in rags and helping out keeping the house clean. It just boosts my self esteem, after all, Cinderella really did snagged the guy at the end. I've proven to myself already if I 'try' I can look stunning, maybe I should 'try' more often and maybe I'll find what I'm looking for.

And intellectual guy that will stimulate my brain cells. Yeah. That's sexy. I don't know I just want a smart guy to enlighten me just not too smart to the point where I bore him with my knowledge. He's out there I know it the world is Diverse. For now I'm sticking to my guns and focusing on what I NEED not what I WANT. (Oh economics how I miss Thee)

If anyone sees this man who can tickle me smart, and entertain me for hours on the things in which I don't know. Please direct him toward me. I promise I will be an Extraordinary Girl. (lame ass)

Be Still my heart,
The Eccedentesiast


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Listening to: Green Day - Extraordinary Girl
via FoxyTunes

Unmet Expectations

Never expect things to go your way. No matter how hard you plan they always go the way you LEAST expect them.

I posted the moral of this post first just for the sake of now restating Friday - Sunday events.

- Got the haircut
- Got the clothing
- Got the nice shoes

But aside from that, everyone related to me seemed to have an Attitude on Saturday. Which lead to the conclusion amongst my sisters and myself that dad is starting to get jealous when I go out with a friend of the opposite sex. I must say I looked 'stunning' on Saturday as I left the house everyone was commenting how great I look and how beautiful yada-yada. My dad on the other hand gave me cold shoulder, then looked at me and said bye.

THAT killed my happy mood. I should not care but hey it stung. Sooner or later I'm going to pack my stuff and leaves and he knows it, but for now I'm sticking around for the sake of not being a needy person and relying on them while out of the house.

Anyway, Eddie was a great person to be with that day it was nice talking to him and hanging with him. I'm glad he's one of my long term friends we don't have much in common but we've never really gotten on to each others nerves. Which is good. Although the hole night I was contemplating on telling him one of my 'bigger' secrets that only a select few people (5 approximately) know. So on the way home I told him and I think he took it... well. He was nervous at first but then he laughed it off and made me feel better about it by being a smart ass about it and making me laugh.

Maybe that was the 1 good thing that came out of this entire weekend after I told him that it felt like our friendship got stronger. Now I think back and say "Why didn't I tell him earlier I should of known better."

So in 3 weeks I see a Lawyer, this should go well I hope maybe things will turn around for the better sooner. For mean whiles I should get the necessary things to get this resolved, I know things will go well and things will be normal once again with a few changes. Oh someone pray for my sorry ass.

Some day I will get in the car and go on a drive from El Paso to Las Cruces and back with the radio loud playing easy listening love songs and just drive off to nowhere. If this my way of romanticising with myself I don't care but I know I'm in need of some romance. ( shut up) I'll try dragging someone with me and just talk away all night then we'll stop at IHOP or somewhere and eat breakfast.

Yeah... That's it..

Living in a Dream,
The Eccedentesiast


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Now playing: Angels And Airwaves - It Hurts
via FoxyTunes

Melancholic Reactions

I slept most of the day today and I can't get my eyelids to touch each other long enough to go into sleep mode.

It's nearly 3am I'm texting and messaging people the few who are crazy enough to stay up just for the hell of staying up. What sucks about not being able to sleep at night is the fact that it's all quiet and you have time to let things sink in and think about the most random shit that comes into your mind. Even if it's about a rock you kicked it all just drowns your mind. It makes me feel like I'm going insane just thinking about stuff and never finding the end of issues. Eh, they'll all sort out eventually.

Fathers day is officially today, I don't officially have a present but I do in a way. It's hard to explain but he'll understand it. An issue I have with fathers day is how to approach dad, like with a hug a hand shake it all feel un-natural. It's not forced because I do mean it but I guess I'm not 'close' with my dad as I am with my mother. I could ask those who I rely on but they either don't have a dad, hate their dad, have a step dad, or don't really give a shit. I'll come up with something... some how.

On to news, I got a hair cut shorter than I usually cut it and I forget i have short hair and I expect to just pick up my hair and have a pony tail BUT no all I have is a little stub for a pony tail I feel bald. I do wish I had a gay hairstylist it be nice to have that extra helpful input. Someone to put me back in place when I pic a really bad hair style. The extra ump to the do.

I am looking forward for Saturday though it should be fun although dressing semi-formal for once is taking me out of my comfort zone mainly because of the short hair, the different style of shoes, clothing etc, I like it but I'm so used to the 'usual'.

Which leads me to this. I'm settling with the things I do and growing accustomed to the same ol' same ol'. I should do something about it, I should do something different, I should go out and look for better things BUT I just don't. This will sort out as well just not at the moment.

- I just re read the blog and I had more to say but I just seem to have forgotten what I was going to say-

A few last personal words

I've been feeling melancholic for some reason, with a really empty feeling in my stomach and a flutter in my heart. I feel happy but stationed not progressing or regressing just...there. Deep down I feel the thunder approaching with rain storming after it and when the clouds have fallen here will come the rain

Getting ready for the hurricane,
The Eccedentesiast

Complete Transition

Self - reflections are threatening and really makes a person question whether or not what you are trying to accomplish is really worth it in the end. And yes I did reflect it's been a year and a month that I don't reflect and maybe I'm biting too much, not chewing enough and not swallowing the pieces down.

For one I don't know what's the best decision for me at the moment every thing's muddy and just spread out there. If my mind doesn't make me crazy I don't know what will. I've been so deep in though that I finally found myself arguing with me If that makes any sense. Whether or not I've made too many irrational decisions and not really put some thought into it. The more I think about these 'irrational decisions' the more I end up thinking of different out comes. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I've come up with different endings on any decision I've ever made and it's driving me insane because I don't have a solid plan on the long run. What a nut case eh?

Other than those economic problems going on at home, I shake it off because money problems can be solved. I also believe that these things happen for a reason, and in this case it brought my sister and brother in law back to earth and out of their clouds of money. Money won't last forever and isn't everything one should look forward to that theory has been proven and shown and I saw it evolve and turn into the mess it's gotten part of my family in. Lesson learned time to move on.

I questioned myself why I gone into a phase of deep thought and reflection and the only outcome of this is that what lays ahead of me the decisions and things I do will affect tomorrow. I guess I do come off as an asshole 95% of the time with the tone of voice and the phrasing I use to ask/say things. It's a no brainer why my sisters would get pissed at me when I'd come up to them in a really "bad-ass" attitude. Hell I'd get pissed at me too but fuck it, it happened it's in the past now it's over.

I ran across a few letters and I read and re-read them, I guess I felt melancholic like I wanted to run after everyone who where someone and matter and give them a hug catch up with them have a few drinks and move on. Although I know that it's impossible every one's scattered all over. Then I look at the pictures prom, homecoming, I realized how childish all that seems now and how self centered everyone was back then.

That was then, this is now. The now seems so confusing and stressful but in the end it is what it is.

I'm just a Teenage Dirtbag,
The Eccedentesiast