Living On

I'm at that stage when I realize I'm no longer a teenager, when I hear "23 yr old wife, "22 year old manager" "24 year old whatever" when I think and say "Hey, I'm not too far away from that age." It's like when everything finally sinks in after letting it marinade for so long it's so much you don't know what to do with yourself. I guess I'm afraid of what lies ahead the decisions I make and the things that are to come. Right now is when I wish I wasn't in such a hurry to "grow up" when I was younger. I'm not clinging on to the what if's because I've set that aside and realized I did what I wanted to do and now it's off to "adult" issues.

I noticed a change when I was starting to get concerned about paying things off, getting good lawyers, improving how I carry myself and first impressions I give off. That's when i realized I wasn't so much worrying about the boy next door, petty things that seem selfish now. I've matured in less than a year and gone through some situations and made decisions that have made me a stronger individual.

Once again my sisters and myself are divided and arguing over my middle sisters responsibility to pay up what my parents loaned her when they were economically unstable. I just think I like my middle sister when she's poor she's a butt muncher and humble and more approachable. When ever she has money she turns into a stingy spawn of the devil whom is lazy and dislikes people. I'm making a big deal about it because as it is my parents are 8 months behind on the rent and they go that extra mile to help out my sister. She knows my dad doesn't expect us to pay back yet she tells him "I'll pay you back next week" and my dads OBVIOUS answer "It's OK don't worry about it". Which she took as "it's ok don't pay us back we have so much money we can get back on our feet!" So here come civil war number 22 between my sisters and myself.

Nadia, the middle sister, back in the days she was pretty she was semi popular she fit in, she had a handsome boyfriend, and she had high school in the palm of her hands. At the same time you couldn't help but feel sad for her. To fit in with the popular crowd you pretty much Have to do what they all talk about. Well she did it, she ended up pregnant. I think back on our arguments and I can't help but think about what she told me the fact that I'm different and act different from other girls makes me stand out.

In away I know deep down inside she wanted this kind of life. Where the few or many friends you make are there for life and not just to accompany you on "the best years of your life". Thinking back I really didn't give a rats ass about what the popular kids did on the contrary I thought it was lame and pointless. I have my friends the kind that flake off after graduation and the kind that stick on you for life. She on the other hand doesn't talk to any of them and it's been 12 yrs since she's seen them.

Earlier this week I seemed to be angry over unimportant things that were said. I think about it and the only logical reason why I'm still angry over it is because I was "technically" lied to. No one likes a liar. I don't anyway. I just think if HE (yes you know who you are because I know you read my blog) would of told me before when I had explained how it didn't matter who he spoke to or if he had a crush on anyone I wouldn't be this angry. I lied to you. Yes, but you know why and it was with good intention, after I told you that's when we took 'that' serious. That's in the past now. You know where I stand now it's up to you to take it and run with it because I'm not running 85% of the time and not being appreciated for it. I know you'll be pissed when you read this but I've put it up for a reason and you'll know why whenever we find ourselves arguing.

As I'm adding and editing this blog I was listening to music the night before and I realized how I don't pay to the small details of songs the way the lyrics are writing and the meaning behind lyrics. Such as the song "Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol" I've had this song for the longest time and I've listened to it often. I was laying down outside on a bench closed my eyes and paid attention to the lyrics and the words and way the singer sang just amazed me.

"I don't quite know how to say,
How I feel,
Those 3 words are said too much,
But not enough,"

Why do I find that specific line epic, I'll break it down simple style. Feelings are hard to describe happy has many levels of happy, sad has many levels of said. Material things are easy to describe soft as a bunnies fur, rough like a crocodiles skin. It's not like one can say say I'm so happy like a toad. Or I'm so mad like a Buffalo. Emotions and feelings are hard to describe and I think that's why it's hard for me to express myself in writing I can't pour my emotions down to a T they're always off. Words are so broad and to the point even elaborating on a specific feeling is Impossible because everyone has their own definition to a feeling.

The last 2 lines are self explanatory. Those 3 small words (I love you) is a powerful phrase in it's own way. Love is Love. There's no middle bottom or top to it Love is an overpowering feeling and it's been taken for granted for ages. There are different types of love, love for your parents, love for your family, love for your friends, and love for your partner. And by partner I mean someone who you see potential with on the long run not the boy/girl you only know for 3 days and you are convinced you've fallen in love. At the same time it's not said enough, when love really does need to be mention or said it never seems enough. Love is now on the level of Like to some and it's sad. If love isn't as powerful what other word can you use? Will people need to refer to Spanish and it's deeper meanings? What is there left?

Ah Love,
The Eccedentesiast



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Listening to: Pedro Infante - 100 años