I'm at that stage when I realize I'm no longer a teenager, when I hear "23 yr old wife, "22 year old manager" "24 year old whatever" when I think and say "Hey, I'm not too far away from that age." It's like when everything finally sinks in after letting it marinade for so long it's so much you don't know what to do with yourself. I guess I'm afraid of what lies ahead the decisions I make and the things that are to come. Right now is when I wish I wasn't in such a hurry to "grow up" when I was younger. I'm not clinging on to the what if's because I've set that aside and realized I did what I wanted to do and now it's off to "adult" issues.
I noticed a change when I was starting to get concerned about paying things off, getting good lawyers, improving how I carry myself and first impressions I give off. That's when i realized I wasn't so much worrying about the boy next door, petty things that seem selfish now. I've matured in less than a year and gone through some situations and made decisions that have made me a stronger individual.
Once again my sisters and myself are divided and arguing over my middle sisters responsibility to pay up what my parents loaned her when they were economically unstable. I just think I like my middle sister when she's poor she's a butt muncher and humble and more approachable. When ever she has money she turns into a stingy spawn of the devil whom is lazy and dislikes people. I'm making a big deal about it because as it is my parents are 8 months behind on the rent and they go that extra mile to help out my sister. She knows my dad doesn't expect us to pay back yet she tells him "I'll pay you back next week" and my dads OBVIOUS answer "It's OK don't worry about it". Which she took as "it's ok don't pay us back we have so much money we can get back on our feet!" So here come civil war number 22 between my sisters and myself.
Nadia, the middle sister, back in the days she was pretty she was semi popular she fit in, she had a handsome boyfriend, and she had high school in the palm of her hands. At the same time you couldn't help but feel sad for her. To fit in with the popular crowd you pretty much Have to do what they all talk about. Well she did it, she ended up pregnant. I think back on our arguments and I can't help but think about what she told me the fact that I'm different and act different from other girls makes me stand out.
In away I know deep down inside she wanted this kind of life. Where the few or many friends you make are there for life and not just to accompany you on "the best years of your life". Thinking back I really didn't give a rats ass about what the popular kids did on the contrary I thought it was lame and pointless. I have my friends the kind that flake off after graduation and the kind that stick on you for life. She on the other hand doesn't talk to any of them and it's been 12 yrs since she's seen them.
Earlier this week I seemed to be angry over unimportant things that were said. I think about it and the only logical reason why I'm still angry over it is because I was "technically" lied to. No one likes a liar. I don't anyway. I just think if HE (yes you know who you are because I know you read my blog) would of told me before when I had explained how it didn't matter who he spoke to or if he had a crush on anyone I wouldn't be this angry. I lied to you. Yes, but you know why and it was with good intention, after I told you that's when we took 'that' serious. That's in the past now. You know where I stand now it's up to you to take it and run with it because I'm not running 85% of the time and not being appreciated for it. I know you'll be pissed when you read this but I've put it up for a reason and you'll know why whenever we find ourselves arguing.
As I'm adding and editing this blog I was listening to music the night before and I realized how I don't pay to the small details of songs the way the lyrics are writing and the meaning behind lyrics. Such as the song "Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol" I've had this song for the longest time and I've listened to it often. I was laying down outside on a bench closed my eyes and paid attention to the lyrics and the words and way the singer sang just amazed me.
"I don't quite know how to say,
How I feel,
Those 3 words are said too much,
But not enough,"
Why do I find that specific line epic, I'll break it down simple style. Feelings are hard to describe happy has many levels of happy, sad has many levels of said. Material things are easy to describe soft as a bunnies fur, rough like a crocodiles skin. It's not like one can say say I'm so happy like a toad. Or I'm so mad like a Buffalo. Emotions and feelings are hard to describe and I think that's why it's hard for me to express myself in writing I can't pour my emotions down to a T they're always off. Words are so broad and to the point even elaborating on a specific feeling is Impossible because everyone has their own definition to a feeling.
The last 2 lines are self explanatory. Those 3 small words (I love you) is a powerful phrase in it's own way. Love is Love. There's no middle bottom or top to it Love is an overpowering feeling and it's been taken for granted for ages. There are different types of love, love for your parents, love for your family, love for your friends, and love for your partner. And by partner I mean someone who you see potential with on the long run not the boy/girl you only know for 3 days and you are convinced you've fallen in love. At the same time it's not said enough, when love really does need to be mention or said it never seems enough. Love is now on the level of Like to some and it's sad. If love isn't as powerful what other word can you use? Will people need to refer to Spanish and it's deeper meanings? What is there left?
Ah Love,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Pedro Infante - 100 años
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Going For It
A few quick rants
After having small talk with a few people (workers from a store my dad works at) we started talking about looks and relationships, I initially said "Well at the moment I'm quite atrocious and I'm not much to look at." One of them turns around looks at me and he says, "On the contrary I find you quite attractive. It's not common to find someone on this side of town (segundo barrio area) who speaks English well and isn't a hooch with kids." After he said that I started laughing, don't ask me why but I found it funny how he expressed himself. Irrational, conceited and snobbish as if he were any better with his quick judgement on people.
After we had that conversation I didn't take notice about what he had said, mainly because I'm initially from that area and grew up there. It's like when you find a golden coin and you start to see if it's real then the paint chips. That's the analogy that I'm giving him, someone who I could of seen myself with if it wasn't for his quick judgements. I judge people yeah but I don't tell the world because I don't know the person whom I am judging well.
The parents and myself went out to eat just to get away from home and my annoying sisters and the little restaurant we go to every Friday there's this guy that sings. Now his singing is amazing I love how he sings if it were up to me I'd stay there all night and just listen to him sing. He's attractive but not my cup of tea. I'm such a little school girl in so many ways because when you look at him too much he'll make his way with his microphone to where you're at and sing to you. So pretty much half the time we were there I'd look at him when he wasn't looking and when he'd turn around I'd quickly glance down with a dumb smirk.
So maybe I am still nervous around guys. At least it isn't every guy it's just certain types of guys. If that makes any sense. I know with peers and random Joe's I'm myself and I try to get along with them but when it's someone that has a talent and he uses it so well I become a mess. Even if I hide behind my tom boy facade I'm still a girly girl on the inside.
The I.N.S Took My Novio Away,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Panic At The Disco - But It's Better if You Do
via FoxyTunes
After having small talk with a few people (workers from a store my dad works at) we started talking about looks and relationships, I initially said "Well at the moment I'm quite atrocious and I'm not much to look at." One of them turns around looks at me and he says, "On the contrary I find you quite attractive. It's not common to find someone on this side of town (segundo barrio area) who speaks English well and isn't a hooch with kids." After he said that I started laughing, don't ask me why but I found it funny how he expressed himself. Irrational, conceited and snobbish as if he were any better with his quick judgement on people.
After we had that conversation I didn't take notice about what he had said, mainly because I'm initially from that area and grew up there. It's like when you find a golden coin and you start to see if it's real then the paint chips. That's the analogy that I'm giving him, someone who I could of seen myself with if it wasn't for his quick judgements. I judge people yeah but I don't tell the world because I don't know the person whom I am judging well.
The parents and myself went out to eat just to get away from home and my annoying sisters and the little restaurant we go to every Friday there's this guy that sings. Now his singing is amazing I love how he sings if it were up to me I'd stay there all night and just listen to him sing. He's attractive but not my cup of tea. I'm such a little school girl in so many ways because when you look at him too much he'll make his way with his microphone to where you're at and sing to you. So pretty much half the time we were there I'd look at him when he wasn't looking and when he'd turn around I'd quickly glance down with a dumb smirk.
So maybe I am still nervous around guys. At least it isn't every guy it's just certain types of guys. If that makes any sense. I know with peers and random Joe's I'm myself and I try to get along with them but when it's someone that has a talent and he uses it so well I become a mess. Even if I hide behind my tom boy facade I'm still a girly girl on the inside.
The I.N.S Took My Novio Away,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Panic At The Disco - But It's Better if You Do
via FoxyTunes
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Inevitable Change
It's time I woman up to situations and start planning my new phase in life. It was nice being a rebellious pain in the ass teen but now it's time to face the fact that it'll be a few months until I'm considered and "Adult" in a few peoples eyes. It's motivated me into getting my act together and figure out what I want out of my life and it seems it has worked.
I was looking at college outside of El Paso a few scholarships financial aid all that good stuff and Baylor seems to be a top choice. So I'll count down the days until I have some money save up get a good car and start stocking up of things and smart up a bit. I'll cross my fingers until I get transferred and accepted but I know good things will come out of that. I'm so excited for that now regardless of all the chaos going on around me that's the only thing I'm looking forward to now. Unfortunately if I become infatuated with the idea of leaving and then not getting accepted well I'll get ready for that hard blow. Luckily I know people going to Baylor and a few who are thinking about transferring to Baylor. In addition to that a friend asked me to Car pool with him so transportation really isn't on my mind so much YET.
I also believe I've been pleasing too many people with their criticism mainly family members and I've finally decided to put my foot down. I've had enough about still being considered the baby of the family so I'm ready to grab life by the horns and steer out of the nest. I know a few posts ago I said I'd stay home and what not, but after having a conversation with my mom I think she thinks that I'm thinking about moving out sometime in the next 2 years. I wouldn't mind but I'm not sure if I'd be able to hang on like my older sister and brother did. It's not like I got pregnant and I'm moving in with the guy who accepted my kid such as what my other sister did. Anyone want a room-mate I know how to clean but I don't know how to cook well!!
The fourth of July was fun, it was nice laying back on the truck and just watching fireworks outside the city limits while listening to music and running into family members. I like my cousins they're easy going and crazy at least the ones on my dads side. My moms cousins I only have a handful that I get along with but their so unreachable now. It's crazy how they all have their own families now and are parents I still remember when we'd be running around through apartments or down the streets of Segundo Barrio.
Some time these next few weeks I'll meet up with past friends have a few drinks and catch up. I know things won't be the same and I'm pretty sure there will be some tension between me and and old best friend. Oh well I'll try to make the best out of it besides alcohol will make it not so awkward after a few drinks so who knows. I also need to make time to make up a hang out day with a few others. Which means I'll need money, and much of it.
As to everything else going on? The lawyer is poking ass so I'm limited to things I can do which sucks. I'm giving it a 2 week wait or else I'm putting things on my own hands and risking it. It's stealing me sleep but I know things will resolve sooner than I expect. I just need to cross my fingers and ask a few others to cross their fingers for me. Actually with this shit on my plate I think it's made me age a bit since it's the one of the few things that has stressed me out to the point of frustration. And it's also sending me to the poor house. Right about now I'm hoping a long lost rich uncle crosses my path and to make up for the loss of time he'd offer me bags filled with cash.
Relationship wise, I have a few options opened and out there and I need to seriously think about how each one will benefit me and the person and if it will cause a strain regarding a few decisions I'll make once the lawyer situation is settled with. The last thing I need is hurting any ones feelings or leading someone on and then leaving to another city. I need time on this and I'll figure out what's the best choice to make.
Lily Allen FTW! Amy Winehouse WTF!
That's what you get,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Blink 182 - First Date
I was looking at college outside of El Paso a few scholarships financial aid all that good stuff and Baylor seems to be a top choice. So I'll count down the days until I have some money save up get a good car and start stocking up of things and smart up a bit. I'll cross my fingers until I get transferred and accepted but I know good things will come out of that. I'm so excited for that now regardless of all the chaos going on around me that's the only thing I'm looking forward to now. Unfortunately if I become infatuated with the idea of leaving and then not getting accepted well I'll get ready for that hard blow. Luckily I know people going to Baylor and a few who are thinking about transferring to Baylor. In addition to that a friend asked me to Car pool with him so transportation really isn't on my mind so much YET.
I also believe I've been pleasing too many people with their criticism mainly family members and I've finally decided to put my foot down. I've had enough about still being considered the baby of the family so I'm ready to grab life by the horns and steer out of the nest. I know a few posts ago I said I'd stay home and what not, but after having a conversation with my mom I think she thinks that I'm thinking about moving out sometime in the next 2 years. I wouldn't mind but I'm not sure if I'd be able to hang on like my older sister and brother did. It's not like I got pregnant and I'm moving in with the guy who accepted my kid such as what my other sister did. Anyone want a room-mate I know how to clean but I don't know how to cook well!!
The fourth of July was fun, it was nice laying back on the truck and just watching fireworks outside the city limits while listening to music and running into family members. I like my cousins they're easy going and crazy at least the ones on my dads side. My moms cousins I only have a handful that I get along with but their so unreachable now. It's crazy how they all have their own families now and are parents I still remember when we'd be running around through apartments or down the streets of Segundo Barrio.
Some time these next few weeks I'll meet up with past friends have a few drinks and catch up. I know things won't be the same and I'm pretty sure there will be some tension between me and and old best friend. Oh well I'll try to make the best out of it besides alcohol will make it not so awkward after a few drinks so who knows. I also need to make time to make up a hang out day with a few others. Which means I'll need money, and much of it.
As to everything else going on? The lawyer is poking ass so I'm limited to things I can do which sucks. I'm giving it a 2 week wait or else I'm putting things on my own hands and risking it. It's stealing me sleep but I know things will resolve sooner than I expect. I just need to cross my fingers and ask a few others to cross their fingers for me. Actually with this shit on my plate I think it's made me age a bit since it's the one of the few things that has stressed me out to the point of frustration. And it's also sending me to the poor house. Right about now I'm hoping a long lost rich uncle crosses my path and to make up for the loss of time he'd offer me bags filled with cash.
Relationship wise, I have a few options opened and out there and I need to seriously think about how each one will benefit me and the person and if it will cause a strain regarding a few decisions I'll make once the lawyer situation is settled with. The last thing I need is hurting any ones feelings or leading someone on and then leaving to another city. I need time on this and I'll figure out what's the best choice to make.
Lily Allen FTW! Amy Winehouse WTF!
That's what you get,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Blink 182 - First Date
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