Every blog i ever started my search for love has been the dominate topic of ever heart felt and heart broken post. Sometimes I think love to balanced and sometimes i think it is the most wonderful thing a human can feel and experience. Since my last post plenty has occurred. I now have a boyfriend and my family seems to be ok. I'm still unemployed and i'm still in square one so nothing drastic has

happened. I'd bore you with summaries from things past but i'll just sum it up to the most simplest things. Things took a 360 for me and now i can do pretty much anything i sent my mind on. Ones health is in everyones mind and we're making an effort to be well. I'm an adult but inside i'm still a kid. Friendship have been my center and my anchor back to reality and sanity and i'm greatful for

Every person i consider and call a friend. Here's where i put the current juicey detail so here goes. I have a new boyfriend. He's been the source of my current heartache yet I love him unconditionaly because he is everything I'm not. At the moment I experienced feelings i've never felt and feelings that remind me of bitttes pasts. At this time i wish things were a little bit different but in

Reality i for once in my life did not do anything wrong and i will not back down from this and take the blame as I have always done. I'm taking time and putting some god honest thought into this and see if my heart is strong to fix this current dilemma and to test him to see if we are on the same page. Yes I can change but if I do i won't be myself. As is I feel as if I've matured I know three

Three years ago i would of handled this differently. Three years ago I didn't take things seriously. Three years later I'm making an effort to make this diamond i found when all things seemed to be going down shine again. I cannot do this on my own and i understand he has to meet me half ways i'm willing to go the distance but he needs to cut me some slack and help me out. If this isn't love on my

part then it must be stubbornness. I thank those who gave me advice and lend me a flash light when things got dark. I needed that. Depending on what happens this week i'll know if i should keep trying if not i'll leave this relationship knowing I did everything i could. It won't be on me. I'll keep you all posted. HOPING THIS POSTS, MS.LANDEROS

Does this even work?

Definitive Decisions

Today was a day unlike any other from having a meltdown in the wee hours of the morning to jumping for joy out of the unexpected news I received. It had a little bit of everything up until now.

After everything was said and done and I thought about everything that's been going on I came to a decision that I will not try to date anyone for sometime. Things are starting to look up for me and I need to focus on moving forward with my life and starting back to where I left off. I know that without having to put my attention to different issues I'll try to better and surpass my goals. I'm not saying that having a boyfriend is a distraction, but at the same time I am.

About that meltdown earlier, everything came crumbling down, from my break up to real time guys that really know where to get me where it hurts. I also made a deal that I wouldn't stick my hands in anyone's problems that didn't matter or with people that aren't around when I need them. Reason is I always look like a jackass defending people and they throw me under the bus to save their asses or just to look good. It's happened many a time with me and I'm pretty much fed up with it. I'm fed up with caring to much, things are gonna change.

Family wise things aren't great, they're at their lowest low. Things won't be the same and everyone is going to be on different pages. It's hectic but as the saying goes "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." I'm gonna be sticking to that and take everything that has/will happen as a lesson.

In a nutshell everything that's happened has been a lesson, if I learn from them or not that's up to me. Regardless, I'll take the outcomes and put them to use.

Left With the Taste of The End,
Ms.Landeros

Was It Me?

It was bound to happen. It's been 13 days and I've tried to play it off act like it didn't hurt but. It did. It's hurting and It's not going to stop anytime soon. I new something was up I've had that gut feeling I get when something bad is coming.

The more I think about it the more I can't grasp it. It wasn't suppose to end this way, at least not how it happened. Like always I end up not saying what I want to and I keep it to myself until I implode. What kept me from putting my 2 cents out there? I guess the idea of trying this again some time in the future but I'm pretty sure biting my tongue is going to make it extremely awkward the next time around.

Do I still have feelings for him? Yeah I do. If anything I have overdue feelings for him. I wanna wake up and make it seem like all of this is just a bad dream but, it isn't. In the end. I'll benefit from this. I already had some gripes about us. Those gripes are the ones that I should of voiced and not let this be on my shoulders. I know I didn't fail at this. I know it wasn't on me like it seems. I mean if he was another guy he would of wanted to try to fix this with out breaking up right? Or do I have a bad impression of the good guys?

I'm not saying I was a saint I know I had fault. If i would of said "I love You" more often or told him he's the best I've ever had things could of been different. Maybe trying to phone him a little bit more earlier woke up a little bit more early to be free sooner to give him my attention. I disagree with the fact that he thinks we weren't committed to each other because I know I was. For already known reasons he knew this would take effort and he knew I was limited to things. If I wasn't committed to us. I wouldn't be thinking about this too much. He doesn't know this and that's the sad part. I'm to upset to be the bigger person and call him to talk. yet he won't make an effort either so I guess I'm fucked if he does or doesn't.

I'm still In love, And it still hurts.

Heartbroken,
Ms. Landeros

We'll Make It

I'm reluctantly accepting quick changes, not that it's bad but it's been sudden. Kinda like turning on the shower and rather it being warm water it's freezing cold. I'm glad everything is sorting out and I'm glad things are looking bright even though to others it's getting bleak.

I don't know that's just my thinking at the moment. I have more to say but I'm numb at the current situation I've been placed. I think things were and are going to be blown out of proportion. I can't do anything just sit and let it happen, something I'm not used to doing. Just LETTING something happen. I hate not being able to have some sort of control with destiny, but I'm no God. Fuck It.

My ambiance has been pretty romantic all day. I feel like doing something all out to make someone feel special. But to accomplish that I need some cash. There fore led me to search for some 'potential' jobs. Fuck Work.

But back to my romantic ambiance. Seriously I've been insatiably romantic today. I wanna sweep someone of their feet and make them feel incredibly high on life and on cloud nine. Just hug and caress forever and a day. Sadly that someone I'd love doing that to has been distant with me lately. You can bet your sweet ass it's bugging me. I feel a sudden wall was built and I can't do anything about it. As mentioned I hate not being able to control certain situations. I don't want it to end. I love this to much I'm enamored with this guy, I need to tell him. Sometime I haven't been doing lately. I need him because I want him. I'm deprived of him and his kisses and hugs. It's driving me insane and all I can do is wait. I'm tired of it. But I keep on waiting because he truly is worth it.

So I have love overload deal with it.

This last month money has been going to the government like crazy from us. Seriously we must of made some yuppi rich to his elbows in dollars. It's for a good reason.. a damn good and needed reason mind you. It's almost over. I can already taste it. Finally..

My beta fish is still alive, so it's a good sign. Victor hasn't broken up with me (yet) so it's a good sign. My family is getting close again, so it's a good sign. Green Day + Blink 182 Tour. Terrific Good Sign. I glanced at the time and it's 1:11Am good sign. We'll make it through.

The weather is shitty, the mustang mach 1. is gone, my nephew is no longer a baby boy. The good overpowers the not so good. Yup we'll make it through.

Don't Leave Me,
Ms. Landeros

P.S 5 bucks for whoever knows where this is from:

"You are the moonlight of my life every night,
Giving all my love to you.
My beating heart belongs to you.
I walked for miles 'till I found you.
With every breath that I am worth,
here on earth.
I'm sending all my love to you.
So if you dare to second guess,
you can rest assured,
that all my love's for you.
My beating heart belongs to you."

External Memories

I wish I had one and possibly a Memory boost you know to process information faster. I can't remember the correct term but who cares.

It was a fair February with other than the fact that Victor rear ended a car and totaled the front of his mustang but he's alright and that's all that matters.

Seriously, things lately have been going full blast for once I did not expect for things to start going and now I realized just how different things are going to go down. Whatever happens I'll be playing it by ear and just hold on for the ride these next few months. I've talked to Victor about it and we'll be playing it by ear since we really don't want to plan anything ahead of time and expect for things to go our way but then it doesn't and we get all put down about it. We'll live it a day at a time that's all we really can do. As for everything else it'll just fall in place and things will be normal I'm not religious but I guess I'm in one of those times where that's the only thing I really can turn to for hope that everything goes as planned, and hope that others will do me the favor and keep me in their thoughts. (it's nothing too serious but it's kinda serious)

To make things worse my family is falling apart, it's taking me by surprise because I always end up being the glue and bring everyone together with all the witty shit I do and say just to please everyone. This time around it's different. For once I feel I can't do anything about it and it makes me feel like shit. My eldest sister confided me in something that happened to her and I don't know what to do. It tears me up inside because I know how she is and how my dad is and how distant they're becoming, and how she and my other sister are at each others throats at everything. I don't know if I should spill the beans or keep it to myself and just handle it. I know I can't keep it to myself because it'll affect me since I get all emotional when I know someones having a hard time going through something and I can't physically do something about. It's like I want to take everyone's problems that I care for burn them and flush them down the toilet and get it fixed. Obviously it doesn't work that way. So tomorrow I'll decide what to do because it's pretty serious and I think if anything does happen to my sister I'll feel terrible and horrible since she's alone and doesn't depend on anyone. I'll keep it calm for now and see what decision and if I can contain myself with it.

Then there's my nephew and his sudden act of "I hate my parents and anyone who's up in my business" I know he's a teenager but this was from one day to another. I was talking to him this week end since he's starting to get familiar with detention N's and failing grades. I'm pretty sure he's doing it for a reason, I think I know what the reason is but I'm not gonna say anything that I'll have to swallow later on if I'm wrong. The best thing I could do was tell him that he'll always have me around to call up and spill things out and keep it confidential unless if it's too serious.

To top it off I'm writing a paper for one of my friends on a book and the book is kicking my ass because I'm just not interested in reading it with all this shit going on but I promised and can't keep him hanging I'll pull it off I know I can I've read a book and done a 10 page essay in 2 days I can pull it off I know I can.

Trying to be Wonder Woman,
Ms. Landeros

Recaps and Relapses

Kinda.

I didn't Forget my blog there was just plenty of events and random turns of events I just didn't have time to sit and think about it and brainstorm it.

Christmas came and went along with new years. Family and friends were around during those times so it was great for the most part. During that course I made a new friend... well not so new considering that he's been around for some time we just never crossed communication paths. He's great and one of the few loyal friends I've made. Mainly because he doesn't have pointless bull shit or tries to pick arguments with me and we get along very well. I'm glad I made a friend like him. On the other hand I've definitely cut out a few people for good out of my life just like I said I would and so far everything in regards to my friends is in satisfactory mode. I still need to rekindle old friendships and warm myself up again with those who were awesome friends with me but for now... all of that will come in time.

From this last time I blogged up to now no tragedy's have occurred so far, just plenty of family drama. The hardcore shit going on is starting to mellow down only two things are pending in my close circle of family members. My moms molar that is literally making her less bearable and has her on the edge of bitchy moods, constant headaches, eye spazes, and irritable moods. All of this would of been solved if wasn't for that god damn stubborn trait that everyone in my family is born with. She just objects on going to the dentist and getting over it. Which leads to my sister and her gall stones. ( I twittered it a while back.) She's in need of surgery but she's waiting it out since she hasn't gotten any pains only because she's been eating nothing but non-fat non greasy foods. And yes mentioned trait a few sentences up is the main problem. Things will work out and sort out for both of them, things could be so much worse but they aren't thankfully.

I need to type out the next few things mainly because it's been in my head quite often and I just need to dump it out so bear with me.

Ms. Landeros and Victor.

To be Honest. There were times when I sat by myself and ALMOST convinced myself to just throw the towel in and walk out. But after thinking/doing/talking/feeling/ and seeing a few things. I realized how STUPID I'm being, how over analytical, how insure I'm being and how good and awesome he really is. It's strange when I'm with him I can be my true self, I can do my retarded laugh, say the dumbest and lamest shit ever, sound smart, be playful, horse around with him and bug the crap out of him, and it doesn't bother him he feeds off my energy and acts exactly the same way it cancels out and we end up having a really good time and everything is just perfectly normal to us. Whether it be singing horribly in the car pieces and parts of songs we know together or alone, looking at each other and making fun of each other or whatever it maybe I feel completely happy. I realize how much I really do love him and I really do care.

The only thing is I need to get off my high horse and put effort into spilling out my emotions into words and letting him know exactly how I feel rather than leaving him hanging and unsure. (At least that how I think I leave him at times). Ironically I was really good at expressing myself with words in any ways and now I stubble and trip all over myself when I do it randomly. My stubbornness also plays a part mainly because I'm terrified of getting hurt again. But if I want this to work I need to put my heart out there for him rather than hiding it and keeping it in it's little bubble and letting those emotions flutter only inside rather than letting them out. I should also be more realistic rather than being an over critical over analyzing bitch that lets myself mind fuck myself over really idiotic things that I should not be thinking.

Funny thing is, every time I'm with him and spend time with him we can go for hours just chilling with each other and all of those feelings and insecurities and doubts I hide go away and everything else doesn't matter (almost anything) because all the good that happens gets magnified and multiplied times infinity^2. I've given myself to him completely that should of answered my doubts and insecurities a long time ago and how *he's stuck around knowing almost everything that's going on*. Recapping everything that's happened and 12/11 I actually feel the love I'm just being a complete idiot=(woman).

A few personal goals

• Be verbally expressible
• Touch into my hopeless romantic side
• Try harder (at everything)
• Be available to those who return the favor
• Take life by the balls again

It's gonna be a good year, I can feel it in my bones. Yay Obama!

**In the Process of being a better gf**,
Ms. Landeros

*(it'll be 6mnts soon!)
**(suggestions are gladly taken)

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Listening to: Alkaline Trio - We Can Never Break Up (Unreleased)