I think that every time that someone from the past comes back into your life for brief moments is to relive that time you had but to also come clean and say things that were unsaid.
Last night was no exception for me, it was an accident waiting to happen. As you all may or may not know I was dating a guy named Gus. At the time, he was a great amazing guy who could make me laugh and could talk to me about the absolutely anything. While our time as a couple progressed things (in my perspective) became sour and lost it's meaning. I would pour my heart out to this guy in ways that I didn't do for anyone else and I wouldn't get any sort of praise or emotion out from him.
Gus has 2 beautiful girls, which I later found out from their mother in a not so nice way 3 months into our relationship. Once this was revealed I accepted the fact that what WE had wouldn't last, and wasn't worth it. At the time I though Gus was being distant because he was doing stuff behind my back so in my defense I went about 'looking' for a way to vent out my pain, my anger, my passion I had for the guy. I vented all of this by hooking up with a friend a few times. When the day randomly came I was on my way to Fort Stockton when I get a text MSG saying. "Don't text me anymore, I'm getting back with my wife" I knew it was coming I hadn't heard from him in over a week. I shrugged it off and moved on.
I did see him around town a few times and we did contact each other after we parted. But everything I didn't say and held inside me was killing me. I recently found out that he really wasn't married, I recently found out he's not happy or with the girls mom. If things were different I would of been happy, but when this surfaced I worried. To my surprise a few weeks after I knew this information he contacted me like it was all planned.
David is still with me but he's in California. I'll admit it gets a little shitty sometimes when you see everyone kissing and holding hands you miss it, having someone physically there with you. Gus asked me about my relationship and I refused to tell him anything eventually he called and we talked.
To make it brief I'll just say it was intense. I cried out of anger, sadness, shock, disbelief and wishing that in some other parallel universe we weren't chickens back in January and things are going differently for us there.
He cried and opened up to me something I was hoping and dreaming he'd do when we were dating. Too late for it now. When I confirmed that I did cheat on him he broke down I felt on top of the world knowing that he was feeling what I felt when he hurt me. I almost laughed when I heard him crying.
Then out of no where he tells me; "I did it for you. I didn't want to ruin your life, your plans, your goals by getting you involved with my fucked up life and with two daughters. I was scared that you might actually be a keeper. My friends kept telling me that you were different, that you cared about me, you showed me your heart and you believed in me. I was scared so I grew distant from you because I didn't want to hurt your I wanted you to continue your life and maybe someday we could try it again."
I choked. I got mad. I demanded why he didn't talk to me about how he was feeling. All he said was I was afraid of how you'd react. I was afraid to see how you would feel if I said, If you're with me you already have a family. I was scared because I know how strict your parents are imagine what they would say? How they would feel? They wouldn't want you with me. I wouldn't want to go through that back then with you because you were barely getting your life straightened out.
I cried. I was mad at myself for not speaking up when I had to for not prying out his feelings. I knew he was complicated just like a Rubik cube. He had his way to tell you want he needed to but you had to give him a few pushes and maybe a shove for him to do it. I didn't do it that time because I said fuck it if he wants to tell me something I'm gonna wait for him to do it. I was wrong. Sobbing I told him Why didn't you tell me, you know how I am you could of talked to me about this. Things could of been so different right now damn it. I admitted that he crosses my mind everyday and I won't lie he does. He cried with me.
I got tired of it and told him what do you want me to say, what do you want from me I know Sorry won't cut it. I don't wanna hurt anymore and I know you don't either. He gets quiet and texts me "I want to feel you. Spend time with You. Make Love To you. Laugh Together. Cry together. Be One." I got a knot in my throat and asked him why. Why now? all he said was "Because... I Fucking Love You." All that time when I was dating him I was waiting for him to say this to me. Now like it said it was too late.
I told him about David. I told him how awesome he is, how he treats me how happy he makes me. How he's there for me when everything is going down the shitter for me. How he doesn't mind if I text him or call him and 6am or 12am he's always there for me. I told him I feel complete with David like nothing is missing.
He asked if i would marry David I said if all goes well yeah. I asked him out of curiosity if he'd go to the wedding he said "I rather be dead." I asked why and he didn't answer her choked up.
In the end all that he text was, "As much as I love you. Stay with your bf. I don't want to interfere. Leave me alone don't text me :(. Bye. :'("
It opened up wounds that were closed and revealed other cuts that I thought were gone. If I wasn't in a relationship with what I think is the best individual and the best that's happen to me. I would pick up where Gus and I left off and run with it and see where it takes us. Obviously I can't, I'm too happy with David and I'm not crazy to throw away something that I feel is solid to something that's unexpected and shakey. I feel better in a strange sadistic way. In my pain of cutting and shredding ever last string Gus left in my heart I feel better. I may look sad but I feel better like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
To David:
I'm complex and you know my mind runs a mile a minute. Sometimes what I say comes out wrong because I don't word it right. You are the best that has happen to me and I am lucky that you're still here for me. You've stuck this far with me and you're battled this big dramatic situation with me. I know you're miles away and I know it gets shitty sometimes knowing that seeing each other soon seems hard to do. But I'm not losing faith. I'm taking what happen with Gus as a learning experience and not passing off a good thing over silly stuff.
I'm sorry If I don't say I love you often, and I'm sorry that I've been grumpy and sad lately. Schools wearing me out and I don't mean to push you aside but you know school is my number one priority. Either way under every bad thing I've been doing deep down to my core I love you with all my heart and all my soul.
Things will get better. We'll have our time and we'll live it up. Just me and you.
I love you.
In a Sea of Never Ending Emotions,
Ms. Landeros
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