Up In The Air

Usually it's hard for me to admit I'm wrong. At this point I would be blogging about how my boyfriend fucked me over and he's a piece of decomposed shit. Well not this time.

These past weeks have been intense and insane. From where I left off on that last blog it spilled over. I was the cheater once again. I was sure that I would be a single lonely idiot who fucked things up. Thankfully, I'm not. Yeah, so I cheated, I was toyed with, lied to, and hurt it was wrong. In return I did the same thing 10x worse to David. To cut to the chase. Don't trust someone who's hurt you in the past, they've done it once and they'll probably do it again.

I learned my lesson. I'm lucky.

Is karma gonna bite me back? Probably it never fails but I'll take it as it comes.

Finals coming up these next 2 days. History is good, Biology is good, English Eh, Math Uy cu-cuy!!

Job interview at The Buckle tomorrow. God save me! I need the cash, I need the job but please don't let me fuck it up. If I get it I got it if not then It wasn't for me. That's how I'm gonna deal with it. Oh yeah and please make this nasal congestion shit go away.

Family wise? Whatever we're all an insane bunch that's always pissed at each other and we'll make up.

I'm breaking up into sentences not paragraphs. Seems about right since that's how everything has been lately.

My hair is short, my shoes are torn just like my shirt. My backpacks are dirty. My love is strong, my friends are M.I.A.. more like I'm M.I.A (missing in action). It be nice to go out for some beers and just bullshit about things. Anyone down? Probably not. :(

With Love,

Ms.Landeros

P.S Good Luck With Finals Everyone!

Licking Open Wounds Closed

I think that every time that someone from the past comes back into your life for brief moments is to relive that time you had but to also come clean and say things that were unsaid.

Last night was no exception for me, it was an accident waiting to happen. As you all may or may not know I was dating a guy named Gus. At the time, he was a great amazing guy who could make me laugh and could talk to me about the absolutely anything. While our time as a couple progressed things (in my perspective) became sour and lost it's meaning. I would pour my heart out to this guy in ways that I didn't do for anyone else and I wouldn't get any sort of praise or emotion out from him.

Gus has 2 beautiful girls, which I later found out from their mother in a not so nice way 3 months into our relationship. Once this was revealed I accepted the fact that what WE had wouldn't last, and wasn't worth it. At the time I though Gus was being distant because he was doing stuff behind my back so in my defense I went about 'looking' for a way to vent out my pain, my anger, my passion I had for the guy. I vented all of this by hooking up with a friend a few times. When the day randomly came I was on my way to Fort Stockton when I get a text MSG saying. "Don't text me anymore, I'm getting back with my wife" I knew it was coming I hadn't heard from him in over a week. I shrugged it off and moved on.

I did see him around town a few times and we did contact each other after we parted. But everything I didn't say and held inside me was killing me. I recently found out that he really wasn't married, I recently found out he's not happy or with the girls mom. If things were different I would of been happy, but when this surfaced I worried. To my surprise a few weeks after I knew this information he contacted me like it was all planned.

David is still with me but he's in California. I'll admit it gets a little shitty sometimes when you see everyone kissing and holding hands you miss it, having someone physically there with you. Gus asked me about my relationship and I refused to tell him anything eventually he called and we talked.

To make it brief I'll just say it was intense. I cried out of anger, sadness, shock, disbelief and wishing that in some other parallel universe we weren't chickens back in January and things are going differently for us there.

He cried and opened up to me something I was hoping and dreaming he'd do when we were dating. Too late for it now. When I confirmed that I did cheat on him he broke down I felt on top of the world knowing that he was feeling what I felt when he hurt me. I almost laughed when I heard him crying.

Then out of no where he tells me; "I did it for you. I didn't want to ruin your life, your plans, your goals by getting you involved with my fucked up life and with two daughters. I was scared that you might actually be a keeper. My friends kept telling me that you were different, that you cared about me, you showed me your heart and you believed in me. I was scared so I grew distant from you because I didn't want to hurt your I wanted you to continue your life and maybe someday we could try it again."

I choked. I got mad. I demanded why he didn't talk to me about how he was feeling. All he said was I was afraid of how you'd react. I was afraid to see how you would feel if I said, If you're with me you already have a family. I was scared because I know how strict your parents are imagine what they would say? How they would feel? They wouldn't want you with me. I wouldn't want to go through that back then with you because you were barely getting your life straightened out.

I cried. I was mad at myself for not speaking up when I had to for not prying out his feelings. I knew he was complicated just like a Rubik cube. He had his way to tell you want he needed to but you had to give him a few pushes and maybe a shove for him to do it. I didn't do it that time because I said fuck it if he wants to tell me something I'm gonna wait for him to do it. I was wrong. Sobbing I told him Why didn't you tell me, you know how I am you could of talked to me about this. Things could of been so different right now damn it. I admitted that he crosses my mind everyday and I won't lie he does. He cried with me.

I got tired of it and told him what do you want me to say, what do you want from me I know Sorry won't cut it. I don't wanna hurt anymore and I know you don't either. He gets quiet and texts me "I want to feel you. Spend time with You. Make Love To you. Laugh Together. Cry together. Be One." I got a knot in my throat and asked him why. Why now? all he said was "Because... I Fucking Love You." All that time when I was dating him I was waiting for him to say this to me. Now like it said it was too late.

I told him about David. I told him how awesome he is, how he treats me how happy he makes me. How he's there for me when everything is going down the shitter for me. How he doesn't mind if I text him or call him and 6am or 12am he's always there for me. I told him I feel complete with David like nothing is missing.

He asked if i would marry David I said if all goes well yeah. I asked him out of curiosity if he'd go to the wedding he said "I rather be dead." I asked why and he didn't answer her choked up.

In the end all that he text was, "As much as I love you. Stay with your bf. I don't want to interfere. Leave me alone don't text me :(. Bye. :'("

It opened up wounds that were closed and revealed other cuts that I thought were gone. If I wasn't in a relationship with what I think is the best individual and the best that's happen to me. I would pick up where Gus and I left off and run with it and see where it takes us. Obviously I can't, I'm too happy with David and I'm not crazy to throw away something that I feel is solid to something that's unexpected and shakey. I feel better in a strange sadistic way. In my pain of cutting and shredding ever last string Gus left in my heart I feel better. I may look sad but I feel better like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

To David:

I'm complex and you know my mind runs a mile a minute. Sometimes what I say comes out wrong because I don't word it right. You are the best that has happen to me and I am lucky that you're still here for me. You've stuck this far with me and you're battled this big dramatic situation with me. I know you're miles away and I know it gets shitty sometimes knowing that seeing each other soon seems hard to do. But I'm not losing faith. I'm taking what happen with Gus as a learning experience and not passing off a good thing over silly stuff.

I'm sorry If I don't say I love you often, and I'm sorry that I've been grumpy and sad lately. Schools wearing me out and I don't mean to push you aside but you know school is my number one priority. Either way under every bad thing I've been doing deep down to my core I love you with all my heart and all my soul.

Things will get better. We'll have our time and we'll live it up. Just me and you.

I love you.

In a Sea of Never Ending Emotions,
Ms. Landeros

Losing Sleep

Class starts tomorrow at 8 o'clock am tomorrow for some super important lab. I wasn't planning on going but 2 more absences and I'm out I kinda wanna save the last 2 for later.

I'm not losing sleep because I got problems or anything. Technically I do but screw it they aren't too bad. Is this going to turn into a love sick post? Ch-Yeah, more than likely.

The thing is I have shit in mind. We're going on 7 months on knowing each other. He's gone to CA and it's getting harder to get by without him near. Let alone his phone was shut off because the bank and his V.A payment shit thing is screwing him over. I'm brain dead half the time.

I know for the last year and some months I've been falling in love too fast with dudes. Granted I wear my heart on my sleeve, yeah I should cut that shit out but whatever. In reality though, I was never myself with any of them. From Victor, Andy, Gus and Rene. I always had to bend something of how I was to each one in the end the only one I really did screwed over was Victor and Gus kinda. Just looking at those 4 names looks weird. Everything that ever happened comes to mind.

A few days ago I broke down on the phone with David. I think that's when I realized how much I miss him. How much I miss bullshitting through out the day around town doing nothing but nonsense. Maybe I'm being greedy but I want David to come back and stay here I'm uneasy with him being in Cali I guess because there's alot of miles from El Paso, TX to Victorville, CA. Anything can happen, anyone can come. I never felt scared to lose someone this way.

I do acknowledge that his absence is driving me crazy and I know that my weakness is that when I don't get boyfriend time with the boyfriend I lose interest (Victor) or I end up cheating (Gus) and I don't wanna do either. Rene isn't helping I'll tell you this much. After all he was the guy I cheated on Gus with. And I honestly DO NOT want history to repeat itself. The best thing I can do Is Isolate myself from him and a select few who push my buttons. For the sake of what I have with what I think is the most amazing individual that has come into my life.

My main concern though is my parents not liking him. With my luck I'm pretty sure that's going to be the big deal after all something ALWAYS goes wrong with anything I do. I'll pray to all the angels and all the saints hell I might even go to church and pray to the main man to give me at least this one.

Pros:

• Encourages Me To Give It all For School
• Hears Me Out
• Helps Me Out
• Makes Me Laugh
• Gets The Random Crap I Blab About
• Share Alot of Similarities
• Wants Me To Finish And Continue My Education No Matter What

Cons:

• He WAS a soldier
• His Taste In Clothing

The Pros out weigh the Cons. I hope they give me this one.

More Than Likely Turn Catholic,
Ollie Landeros (Ms.Landeros)

Friends, Love and the Gynocologist

"Get Naked from your waste down, get on the table [please]"

Ohh, if only some sexy dark skinned guy with an accent had said that to me I would of complied with no hesitation (not really). To my luck I HAD to go to the gynecologists. I figured I'd see one when I was pregnant, about to give birth or maybe when I was old, pruned and dried up. (Bleh!) But no. My gynecologist was a woman. I'm not too sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Fuck, I'm not even sure if it even made a difference that it was a woman! I mean there IS only so much I can do when someone, who's name I can barely pronounce, says "Relax, spread your legs and quit clenching you bottom." Right when she says that she's probing my va-jayjay with some foreign medical object and (medically) fingering me. To top off this beautiful, not-so-rare-visit the awkward silence followed. Not just any awkward silence but the kind that follows after having REALLY bad sex.

Although, sitting there naked from the waist down got me thinking. I looked around and read the posters of all sorts of malfunctions and diseases the va-jayjay has. I felt old. I seriously said "Yup. Life, you're just going on forward hauling ass and you don't give a damn if I'm kicking and screaming trying to stall time to not get old, huh?"

Fuck It. It is what it is.


It's nice though to have a breather between the dull, agonizing hours of school and the hustle and bustle of life. Me and wine don't go well together, it fucked me up. It was nice though meeting new people and making friends. I don't know if it was the alcohol that made us all have a great time or the energy we had. Who knows maybe it was both. Whatever it was, it lead to a great night of laughing, stumbling and dancing. I love people, I love my friends, I love life. 'Nough said.

This is where I break-off into rambling about my relationship. Due to past posts by this point I'm spitting venom, talking bad and cursing horribly about my boyfriend. This time it's different.
Sometimes, when you realize how much you really love someone and I mean absolutely LOVE someone, it takes the most simplest pleasures and occasions.

Years back if someone would of said you're spending your birthday at the park with just ONE person and a small cake, I probably wouldn't show up and slept the day off.

For Davids' birthday I was low on cash, I wanted to something great for him but my plan wasn't going anywhere without mula. We went to Wall-Mart and I bought it him a small chocolate cake, maybe around 5 inches and some candles.

After my failed attempt at lighting all 25 candles we ate the cake together and left some for him later when he got to his place. We spent time laughing on the grass, horse playing and at some point danced with no music and with people around us watching. That day to this day has been the most fun I've had with at the park with someone else in a long time.

I enjoyed the simplest pleasures life can give me with my partner. Who else can say that a day low on cash, a small cake, green grass and a dance without music was the best day ever? That's when I knew I truly love him and only him. It's not about an expensive gift, liquor, or a party with people who just go for the food and the booze. It's about how something so small is worth so much more than everything put together.

The feeling of making someone feel loved and special and making you feel the same way just by doing it. That's one of the best feelings ever.

To others this may seem insignificant and lame but I challenge you to do something with your significant other or just with anyone who means something to you. Go some place where you can actually hear each other, love each other soberly, dance with no music, play and laugh like a child for 4 hours. You'll see how fast the time flies and how you wished the day never ended.

If it doesn't go fast, well then reconsider why you're in that relationship, what will be left when the appearances change, the aging process kicks in, when you're too wrinkled and old to get with someone that appeals to you? It's more than just looks and whatever comes with the looks it's the inside that stays with you forever.

You've been gone for 18 days I'm already wasting away. California seems 1,000 light-years away, but I feel you close to me like you're next to me when I'm alone. It might be because I always carry you in my heart.

With Love,
Ms.Landeros

Realizations

There's something about waking up in the morning and the first thing you look at is the person who makes shit so much better in this world. Everyone feels differently in said situation but I feel at peace. Everything that's gone wrong or what may go wrong doesn't matter at that moment.

It's the feeling of running your fingers through their hair and feeling their rhythmic breathing and beating heart all in different tempos. The need to cover them with your blanket because they're curled up butt naked and you're unjustly clothed.

I felt older when I felt this. I felt like I had peeked into life 10 years from now.

The feeling of a pair of eyes following your every moment while getting dressed in the morning to go to the store and sharing pancakes even though you hate them. I loved it.

I never felt that before. I love it. Even the night before feeling them there with you in more than one way. I felt complete. Being complete something I'm usually not familiar with. Knowing that all the pieces of the puzzle are there and all I have to do is put them in order to make this master piece. For once, things aren't such a mess.

The way I love has matured. I'm not looking for the superficial aspects but for what's inside. A 3 yr and 11 month age distance doesn't mean a thing for once because I can be a kid with him. It's the point of loving someone is being yourself with them? I can do that 100% with out being judged. I can talk about the fact that I finished that last stupid Twilight book "Breaking Dawn" and liked it. Admit that I do worry about things I shouldn't and feel good about not hiding it. What else could I ask for?

It's the fear of knowing they'll be leaving soon to their home state and terrified of being left alone again. Feeling the tears run down my cheek thinking about the endless possibilities that in my past usually never seem to fail. The fact that my priorities could clash with his and making me worry a bit about the outcomes.

And in the end, getting ahold of yourself and just holding on to their hand and taking the leap. If fate destiny whatever you want to call it brought us together it was for a reason and looking ahead. Knowing that we're the best that's happened to each other regardless of how many times we've said and felt that with other people. We just hope that it's legit and so far it has been.

Just Noticed I have A Hickey on My Left Shoulder Blade,
Ms.Landeros

New Chapters

Getting older is a bitter pill to swallow for me lately I've suddenly felt like I've aged yet somehow I've accept it. It's been 3 years since I was 18 and 7 since I was 15. I've accepted it not by force or because of the laws of nature but because many valuable life lessons came to me through those years. Many new experiences happened some great others not so great ranging from drugs, family, friends, love, life and death. Do I regret anything? Nah, It's what's made my hair sprout the dreaded white hairs that haunt me yet "give me character" and it's what has added the zest, spice, bitterness, sweetness and all those secret ingredients added to make a cocktail drink out of life. You just enjoy it a sip at a time!

It's the uproars, the thundering laughs, the shuddering sobs, a friendly hug and the beat of feet marching down a pavement to stand up for what you believe in. And the occasional charlatan who hustles you into trusting him. The feeling of an uncontrollable urge that takes over you and overwhelms you when you're in a failing relationship. It's the unconditional love from a sibling or parent holding your hand in what seems to be a death bed when hooked on morphine. The brief moment of holding the hand of someone who could have the potential to be an amazing partner but dares not to crossover the boundaries because the friendship is too precious to spoil. It's the guy who loves another that doesn't love him back or gives him the time of day and makes you feel second best. The feeling of your heart shaking off the dust and sealing up the wounds to who seems to be the new boyfriend that has the possibility of being something that could last. The choice of taking it a day at a time to get to know him and enjoy every precious moment until you know him inside out and when you least expect it you COULD find yourself irrevocably in love with him.

I can look back at where I came from and admiring the trek you've set out on and seeing what lies ahead. Don't spoil the moment live the day up to the last drop is what I'll say. I'm taking over the reigns and making my story as it goes and after all is said and done I'll look back with watery eyes shake my head, laugh, wave good bye and say "Where did the time go?"

Everything Happen After I Fell Hard On My Tushy,
Ms.Landeros

Rewind. Erase

You know when you find something, you don't really know how good it'll be so you try it out, give it a shot, and it just goes so well with you that you're willing to do anything even give up things to keep it? Well that's how I was these past 5 months.

If you keep up with me you might know I am once again on the road to single hood. Only this is this time around it didn't hit me so hard. I couldn't come to a conclusion as to why I was so nonchalant about it. Yeah, I felt the sting and yes it did shot down my ego but this time around I was prepared for it. I had my parachute on in case of an immediate evacuation. I know this is wrong but I think I'm just not ready to take on a SERIOUS relationship. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that through out all of my relationships I have been loyal. I haven't. I'm not ready to settle down with 1 guy, I've dated a few and yeah a few had a rare connection, each one not strong enough to last a life time. I've had a taste of just about everything out there that's around me and I think I can safely say I know what I'm looking for but I don't need it right now.

The thing of it is, the "perfect relationship" I based it on other peoples stories, movies, books or whatever that had a love plot down. That's where I went wrong. I cannot base a relationship on something someone else made a rubric for, Love isn't perfect, Love doesn't have a manual it's different. There's different kinds of love and relationships and it would be foolish of me to try to bring to life a love story someone else wrote. If I did, It wouldn't be mine, i wouldn't love it. I'm not looking but I'm not closing the door on it. The bad thing is due to EVERYTHING that has gone done in EVERY relationship I was involved in I've started to make a list of things to avoid which is not letting me keep the door completely open. I need to change that, after all risking everything and getting hurt isn't as bad as not risking it all and regretting not doing what I should of. Yeah, I'm changing my outlook on things and not just in love and relationships.

I know I've grown up plenty in a year. I've seen and gone through enough to make me really notice the things I've taken for granted. Now I'm taking advantage of making things right. I've also learned to let things go and accept things as they are. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink it. I've done what I can and until someone comes along willing to meet me half ways I'm there.

Thankfully, I feel at peace with everything. To hold on to something that had no real future is to lose more time on myself. Thankfully everyone is alright. Thankfully I have a family who even though they're screwy and not close knit there all behind me 100%. Thankfully I got my friends who'll let me lean on them when shit goes bad. Thankfully I have my humor to laugh at my fuck ups and at the things that fuck me over. Thankfully I'm lucky.

To the Future Boyfriend:

• It's the little details that matter.
• A simple Hello and I miss you a day is fine with me
• Even a 2 minute conversation is fine
• Hear me out, You don't have to say anything just let me know you're there
• Don't lie to me
• Don't tell me you want to marry me
• Let me know if I'm being distant

I'm not complicated. I'm not a bitch. I'm not stuck up. I'm simply me.

We Should All Kick it Someday,
Ms.Landeros