Ever since that last blog many things have occurred. I was too lazy to keep record of everything that has gone on but I'll just babble on about whatever I can remember or has some sort of sentimental connection so to speak. I'm officially 20, broke as fuck, distanced from certain individuals, in a very strange family, and in a relationship. I know there's more but I don't really want to dig up the rest. (Since it's not convenient of course)
Just to recap as of now, I realized how many unnecessary people are in my life. The sad thing is it's not people who help me better myself or are around me because they actually like my company or just like me as a friend. It's people who just seem to love to make me twist and turn in odd shapes (emotionally) and just cause me to have these horrible feelings. I know I hurt them but they need to understand where I come from in this situation. I'm DONE with people trying to rule my decisions and try to dictate who to talk to, who to see and what to do with my life. Let alone try to get what they want by making me feel like shit. It was about time I grew some womanly balls and shoved them out of my life. I don't need the extra baggage from them since I want to travel light from now on.
A few weeks ago (or a month ago) I was pretty taken back and a few things I heard from the grapevine. Things a friend who was once very close said about me not caring about him, to settle things I shrugged it off because things happen and people grow apart for reasons. I'm not going to chase him around asking him to take me back mainly because that isn't my style if he wants to talk to me he knows where he can find me but I will make this known that I don't push anyone away without reason.
In current time, these past few weeks have been blissful in more than one way. I found myself in a relationship that seems to be growing. Before I even began to blog I re-read the past few blogs smiled and laughed and looked at the present. Love really does come at the strangest time and randomly.
Who is this Victor guy that makes me feel all calm and happy? You don't need to know, I know who he is and I know how I feel about him and everything that we've said and done. I'm glad to feel that feeling of butterflies and flutters in my heart. It's been quite a long time that something like this takes me over completely. I don't mind sneaking around just to be with him because at the end it's all worth it the feeling is worth it. Laying down next to him makes me feel so alive and just being around him makes me feel human. It's crazy how easily he can make me laugh even when he isn't around then again I laugh easily but this is different. I can't explain it and I'm not going to bother to explain it because it isn't meant to be explain it just happens. I just know that whenever I'm with him, talking to him, or thinking about him everything else can go to hell because right now he's in my thoughts and I like it.
I could go on and on about how awesome and fantastic he is but nobody really needs to know, as long as I know and he knows then there's nothing else that needs to be said. Already though all these little moments and memories and things that are said are starting to bunch up, and it's true well to me that it's the little things that count the most. Am I happy? You bet, I just wished a few things would be different but can't always get what I want. Bottom line is I'm letting it happen and trying not to hold back.
The lawyer situation well it's sort of someone kinda moving on but it's taking a toll on the best of us, we'll figure it out and I know things will be back to normal in march, regardless how complicated it's getting it'll get sorted out. Here's hoping to luck in the court room someday! (and support is very much appreciated!)
P.S - The movie P.S I love You made me cry like a little bitch the entire time. The thought of losing the one you love by death and the concept of the movie moved me. It made me wonder if and when your soul mate dies you actually feel them around and mentally see them physically even though they really aren't there. I guess the entire theme of love of that movie hit a nerve because I remember crying and all these repressed emotions came out. But after all of that I felt better :)
Eager to give head to my pillow,
Ms. Landeros
Monday, December 08, 2008
Monday, September 08, 2008
Pleasant Conversations
Today might of been one of my favorite nights. Something about rainy thundering nights and having a quiet conversation can really be fantastic. It's been such a long time since I've had a conversation with someone and everything that's going on really didn't matter. I like it.
I know it's somewhat pathetic that I got off the phone, turned on the P.C walked to the living room, peeked out the window and looked up at the sky, came back and decided to blog. I know I won't be able to fully explain as to why I decided to do this at this moment and time but it seemed right. Finally something felt right.
Here is where I say being a girl sucks, mainly because of all these raging emotions swirling in your head that drive you insane. For once though I was able to say what was on my mind and not have an awkward silence or someone complaining about what I said. I got a "You know I completely understand what you mean, and you're right." Along with feedback. It's nice to not feel too crazy around someone especially when it's pertaining to emotions.
I came to realize about the potential Victor and I can have. Quite honestly I'm pretty scared about what can come about this relationship we have, or as he said "Yeah I bet you're scared shitless about what we could have huh? You're practically shitting bricks just like I am." How right he is. He's had just about as much luck with relationships as I have and we can talk about them and laugh. The best advise I heard was "Let it happen" from some wise girl Victor was talking to at a party.
"Let it happen". As in don't control whatever may occur just let it go it's own direction, don't dictate what can come out of it and don't force what isn't there. Just let it happen. It actually makes more sense now that it did when we talked about it. It's hard to just "Let it happen". Actually it isn't if it works it works if it doesn't oh well we're boned.
I've grown a liking to talking to him mainly because he gives me plenty of good material to think about and it lets me pour out my emotions and he'll have an answer or saying to anything I say. That's what I needed. I mean yeah he questions me about why or how I feel about it but he understands what I say better.
"Babe one day you're gonna meet a stud, a guy. Maybe it's me maybe it's someone else and You're gonna fall in love with him that everything and everyone in the past isn't going to matter. That's the day you'll know you've found the right guy the one you need."
The "Jock" and the "Loser" it's what we are. It's a strange mix but we have so much in common he actually "gets" me and my odd comments or odd word placings and I like his rauchy straight to the point answers and thoughts. I don't expect anyone to understand how this works because I can't find the right words to describe it but maybe it isn't meant to be described. I think I will let it happen just for kicks and see what grows out of this.
I keep listening to A Walk Through Hell by Say Anything over and over on my mp3 it just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Just like when he asks me if I'm his everyday.
Mr. Nieto has been mentioned,
Ms. Landeros
I know it's somewhat pathetic that I got off the phone, turned on the P.C walked to the living room, peeked out the window and looked up at the sky, came back and decided to blog. I know I won't be able to fully explain as to why I decided to do this at this moment and time but it seemed right. Finally something felt right.
Here is where I say being a girl sucks, mainly because of all these raging emotions swirling in your head that drive you insane. For once though I was able to say what was on my mind and not have an awkward silence or someone complaining about what I said. I got a "You know I completely understand what you mean, and you're right." Along with feedback. It's nice to not feel too crazy around someone especially when it's pertaining to emotions.
I came to realize about the potential Victor and I can have. Quite honestly I'm pretty scared about what can come about this relationship we have, or as he said "Yeah I bet you're scared shitless about what we could have huh? You're practically shitting bricks just like I am." How right he is. He's had just about as much luck with relationships as I have and we can talk about them and laugh. The best advise I heard was "Let it happen" from some wise girl Victor was talking to at a party.
"Let it happen". As in don't control whatever may occur just let it go it's own direction, don't dictate what can come out of it and don't force what isn't there. Just let it happen. It actually makes more sense now that it did when we talked about it. It's hard to just "Let it happen". Actually it isn't if it works it works if it doesn't oh well we're boned.
I've grown a liking to talking to him mainly because he gives me plenty of good material to think about and it lets me pour out my emotions and he'll have an answer or saying to anything I say. That's what I needed. I mean yeah he questions me about why or how I feel about it but he understands what I say better.
"Babe one day you're gonna meet a stud, a guy. Maybe it's me maybe it's someone else and You're gonna fall in love with him that everything and everyone in the past isn't going to matter. That's the day you'll know you've found the right guy the one you need."
The "Jock" and the "Loser" it's what we are. It's a strange mix but we have so much in common he actually "gets" me and my odd comments or odd word placings and I like his rauchy straight to the point answers and thoughts. I don't expect anyone to understand how this works because I can't find the right words to describe it but maybe it isn't meant to be described. I think I will let it happen just for kicks and see what grows out of this.
I keep listening to A Walk Through Hell by Say Anything over and over on my mp3 it just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Just like when he asks me if I'm his everyday.
Mr. Nieto has been mentioned,
Ms. Landeros
Thursday, August 07, 2008
And so it is..
Since the last post a few new things and new changes came around, along with great and difficult situations. At the moment I'm happy, something I haven't felt some time. The time spent away, around and pestering people wasn't ill spent at all. I managed to pin point something good out of everything that seemed to be going sour. I'm not going to say I've been enlightened with the gift of intangible knowledge but in someways I have. This is what it was all about finding something to keep going and looking at things in a different light.
About the past I realized every experience was a learning one. From being patient, being myself and taking it a day at a time. A day at a time. That's my problem. I look too far into my "fantasy" future hoping and expecting for current situations to go the way I invision them and not thinking of the "if worst comes to worst" situations. Taking the rose colored way outcome of things have caused me to get bored and uninterested of what will really happen like reading the ending of a novel. You read the end already so you think you pretty much figured out what may happen from then on, rather than enjoying each and every sentence and scenario given. That's what I need to improve on taking it all a day at a time and letting it all come down on that given day. I've learned the hard way now I'm fixing it. Maybe these past few months I really wasn't lost I was just bored of repetition. I learned plenty through my last relationship mainly about myself. The fact that patience and understating can go a long way. It defined me at my best and at my worst, highlighting my highs and my lows. Bringing out what needs improvement and what should stay the same. Probably if we would of met later on in life when we had what needed to be resolved the out come would of been different. What is there left to do when someone knows you inside out? Marriage wasn't the option because we're still so young even if we are the same we are drastically different. Tying my life and choices wasn't one of my options or decisions at the moment because in reality we've just started and we got so much life ahead of us to screw up or make amends.
With change came someone new. With him I've restricted myself from thinking too far ahead. I'm taking this a day at a time. I'm spilling my feelings slowly and getting to know him slowly since we really don't need to rush what we've both found in this confusing time of both our lives. He's different from what I'm accustomed to spending my time with but we're just alike in more than one way. It's different for him since he's used to being with girls who are the opposite of what I am. We find ourselves talking open endedly of our experiences and relationships and neither one of us finds offense to anything we say. It's understood that what's in the past is the past and can't change it. He may say he isn't splitting atoms but he has potential to being the most brilliant person I've ever met. He's a complex individual whose hard to read but once you pick at his tough manly shell he's not what he appears to be. He's more than meets the eye and I've already learned a few things from him. Where this may lead is unknown at the time being but wherever it may lead we both are learning from this and taking it a day at a time.
Lately my cage was rattled with a good friend thinking about committing suicide many a memory came to mind Gabriel, everyones buddy Alex and a few others. I suppose the thought about losing someone else really hit a nerve. Which made me more angry than sad. It's a cliched topic but everyone has experienced personally or through hearing it from others. Knowing that there was a way I could prevent this friend from going through it was what I needed to do but I felt so scared at the same time. Yeah, It's scary to think that someones life lies in your hands even though you really can't make their decision just talk to them about how unnecessary it really is.
Lighter Notes:
Missing Heath Ledger,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Say Anything - A Walk Through Hell
About the past I realized every experience was a learning one. From being patient, being myself and taking it a day at a time. A day at a time. That's my problem. I look too far into my "fantasy" future hoping and expecting for current situations to go the way I invision them and not thinking of the "if worst comes to worst" situations. Taking the rose colored way outcome of things have caused me to get bored and uninterested of what will really happen like reading the ending of a novel. You read the end already so you think you pretty much figured out what may happen from then on, rather than enjoying each and every sentence and scenario given. That's what I need to improve on taking it all a day at a time and letting it all come down on that given day. I've learned the hard way now I'm fixing it. Maybe these past few months I really wasn't lost I was just bored of repetition. I learned plenty through my last relationship mainly about myself. The fact that patience and understating can go a long way. It defined me at my best and at my worst, highlighting my highs and my lows. Bringing out what needs improvement and what should stay the same. Probably if we would of met later on in life when we had what needed to be resolved the out come would of been different. What is there left to do when someone knows you inside out? Marriage wasn't the option because we're still so young even if we are the same we are drastically different. Tying my life and choices wasn't one of my options or decisions at the moment because in reality we've just started and we got so much life ahead of us to screw up or make amends.
With change came someone new. With him I've restricted myself from thinking too far ahead. I'm taking this a day at a time. I'm spilling my feelings slowly and getting to know him slowly since we really don't need to rush what we've both found in this confusing time of both our lives. He's different from what I'm accustomed to spending my time with but we're just alike in more than one way. It's different for him since he's used to being with girls who are the opposite of what I am. We find ourselves talking open endedly of our experiences and relationships and neither one of us finds offense to anything we say. It's understood that what's in the past is the past and can't change it. He may say he isn't splitting atoms but he has potential to being the most brilliant person I've ever met. He's a complex individual whose hard to read but once you pick at his tough manly shell he's not what he appears to be. He's more than meets the eye and I've already learned a few things from him. Where this may lead is unknown at the time being but wherever it may lead we both are learning from this and taking it a day at a time.
Lately my cage was rattled with a good friend thinking about committing suicide many a memory came to mind Gabriel, everyones buddy Alex and a few others. I suppose the thought about losing someone else really hit a nerve. Which made me more angry than sad. It's a cliched topic but everyone has experienced personally or through hearing it from others. Knowing that there was a way I could prevent this friend from going through it was what I needed to do but I felt so scared at the same time. Yeah, It's scary to think that someones life lies in your hands even though you really can't make their decision just talk to them about how unnecessary it really is.
Lighter Notes:
- Eddie got accepted to Baylor
- I watched the Dark night and I don't care how many people talk down to me but I didn't find it as "epic" as everyone said. It was a typical batman movie and the batman wasn't even THAT good looking. What was up with that creepy raspy voice it really didn't need to be that creepy (oh yeah I said it) . The Joker in the other hand was the only 'epic' character in that movie. Talk about going from gay cowboy to manic clown!
Missing Heath Ledger,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Say Anything - A Walk Through Hell
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Living On
I'm at that stage when I realize I'm no longer a teenager, when I hear "23 yr old wife, "22 year old manager" "24 year old whatever" when I think and say "Hey, I'm not too far away from that age." It's like when everything finally sinks in after letting it marinade for so long it's so much you don't know what to do with yourself. I guess I'm afraid of what lies ahead the decisions I make and the things that are to come. Right now is when I wish I wasn't in such a hurry to "grow up" when I was younger. I'm not clinging on to the what if's because I've set that aside and realized I did what I wanted to do and now it's off to "adult" issues.
I noticed a change when I was starting to get concerned about paying things off, getting good lawyers, improving how I carry myself and first impressions I give off. That's when i realized I wasn't so much worrying about the boy next door, petty things that seem selfish now. I've matured in less than a year and gone through some situations and made decisions that have made me a stronger individual.
Once again my sisters and myself are divided and arguing over my middle sisters responsibility to pay up what my parents loaned her when they were economically unstable. I just think I like my middle sister when she's poor she's a butt muncher and humble and more approachable. When ever she has money she turns into a stingy spawn of the devil whom is lazy and dislikes people. I'm making a big deal about it because as it is my parents are 8 months behind on the rent and they go that extra mile to help out my sister. She knows my dad doesn't expect us to pay back yet she tells him "I'll pay you back next week" and my dads OBVIOUS answer "It's OK don't worry about it". Which she took as "it's ok don't pay us back we have so much money we can get back on our feet!" So here come civil war number 22 between my sisters and myself.
Nadia, the middle sister, back in the days she was pretty she was semi popular she fit in, she had a handsome boyfriend, and she had high school in the palm of her hands. At the same time you couldn't help but feel sad for her. To fit in with the popular crowd you pretty much Have to do what they all talk about. Well she did it, she ended up pregnant. I think back on our arguments and I can't help but think about what she told me the fact that I'm different and act different from other girls makes me stand out.
In away I know deep down inside she wanted this kind of life. Where the few or many friends you make are there for life and not just to accompany you on "the best years of your life". Thinking back I really didn't give a rats ass about what the popular kids did on the contrary I thought it was lame and pointless. I have my friends the kind that flake off after graduation and the kind that stick on you for life. She on the other hand doesn't talk to any of them and it's been 12 yrs since she's seen them.
Earlier this week I seemed to be angry over unimportant things that were said. I think about it and the only logical reason why I'm still angry over it is because I was "technically" lied to. No one likes a liar. I don't anyway. I just think if HE (yes you know who you are because I know you read my blog) would of told me before when I had explained how it didn't matter who he spoke to or if he had a crush on anyone I wouldn't be this angry. I lied to you. Yes, but you know why and it was with good intention, after I told you that's when we took 'that' serious. That's in the past now. You know where I stand now it's up to you to take it and run with it because I'm not running 85% of the time and not being appreciated for it. I know you'll be pissed when you read this but I've put it up for a reason and you'll know why whenever we find ourselves arguing.
As I'm adding and editing this blog I was listening to music the night before and I realized how I don't pay to the small details of songs the way the lyrics are writing and the meaning behind lyrics. Such as the song "Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol" I've had this song for the longest time and I've listened to it often. I was laying down outside on a bench closed my eyes and paid attention to the lyrics and the words and way the singer sang just amazed me.
"I don't quite know how to say,
How I feel,
Those 3 words are said too much,
But not enough,"
Why do I find that specific line epic, I'll break it down simple style. Feelings are hard to describe happy has many levels of happy, sad has many levels of said. Material things are easy to describe soft as a bunnies fur, rough like a crocodiles skin. It's not like one can say say I'm so happy like a toad. Or I'm so mad like a Buffalo. Emotions and feelings are hard to describe and I think that's why it's hard for me to express myself in writing I can't pour my emotions down to a T they're always off. Words are so broad and to the point even elaborating on a specific feeling is Impossible because everyone has their own definition to a feeling.
The last 2 lines are self explanatory. Those 3 small words (I love you) is a powerful phrase in it's own way. Love is Love. There's no middle bottom or top to it Love is an overpowering feeling and it's been taken for granted for ages. There are different types of love, love for your parents, love for your family, love for your friends, and love for your partner. And by partner I mean someone who you see potential with on the long run not the boy/girl you only know for 3 days and you are convinced you've fallen in love. At the same time it's not said enough, when love really does need to be mention or said it never seems enough. Love is now on the level of Like to some and it's sad. If love isn't as powerful what other word can you use? Will people need to refer to Spanish and it's deeper meanings? What is there left?
Ah Love,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Pedro Infante - 100 años
I noticed a change when I was starting to get concerned about paying things off, getting good lawyers, improving how I carry myself and first impressions I give off. That's when i realized I wasn't so much worrying about the boy next door, petty things that seem selfish now. I've matured in less than a year and gone through some situations and made decisions that have made me a stronger individual.
Once again my sisters and myself are divided and arguing over my middle sisters responsibility to pay up what my parents loaned her when they were economically unstable. I just think I like my middle sister when she's poor she's a butt muncher and humble and more approachable. When ever she has money she turns into a stingy spawn of the devil whom is lazy and dislikes people. I'm making a big deal about it because as it is my parents are 8 months behind on the rent and they go that extra mile to help out my sister. She knows my dad doesn't expect us to pay back yet she tells him "I'll pay you back next week" and my dads OBVIOUS answer "It's OK don't worry about it". Which she took as "it's ok don't pay us back we have so much money we can get back on our feet!" So here come civil war number 22 between my sisters and myself.
Nadia, the middle sister, back in the days she was pretty she was semi popular she fit in, she had a handsome boyfriend, and she had high school in the palm of her hands. At the same time you couldn't help but feel sad for her. To fit in with the popular crowd you pretty much Have to do what they all talk about. Well she did it, she ended up pregnant. I think back on our arguments and I can't help but think about what she told me the fact that I'm different and act different from other girls makes me stand out.
In away I know deep down inside she wanted this kind of life. Where the few or many friends you make are there for life and not just to accompany you on "the best years of your life". Thinking back I really didn't give a rats ass about what the popular kids did on the contrary I thought it was lame and pointless. I have my friends the kind that flake off after graduation and the kind that stick on you for life. She on the other hand doesn't talk to any of them and it's been 12 yrs since she's seen them.
Earlier this week I seemed to be angry over unimportant things that were said. I think about it and the only logical reason why I'm still angry over it is because I was "technically" lied to. No one likes a liar. I don't anyway. I just think if HE (yes you know who you are because I know you read my blog) would of told me before when I had explained how it didn't matter who he spoke to or if he had a crush on anyone I wouldn't be this angry. I lied to you. Yes, but you know why and it was with good intention, after I told you that's when we took 'that' serious. That's in the past now. You know where I stand now it's up to you to take it and run with it because I'm not running 85% of the time and not being appreciated for it. I know you'll be pissed when you read this but I've put it up for a reason and you'll know why whenever we find ourselves arguing.
As I'm adding and editing this blog I was listening to music the night before and I realized how I don't pay to the small details of songs the way the lyrics are writing and the meaning behind lyrics. Such as the song "Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol" I've had this song for the longest time and I've listened to it often. I was laying down outside on a bench closed my eyes and paid attention to the lyrics and the words and way the singer sang just amazed me.
"I don't quite know how to say,
How I feel,
Those 3 words are said too much,
But not enough,"
Why do I find that specific line epic, I'll break it down simple style. Feelings are hard to describe happy has many levels of happy, sad has many levels of said. Material things are easy to describe soft as a bunnies fur, rough like a crocodiles skin. It's not like one can say say I'm so happy like a toad. Or I'm so mad like a Buffalo. Emotions and feelings are hard to describe and I think that's why it's hard for me to express myself in writing I can't pour my emotions down to a T they're always off. Words are so broad and to the point even elaborating on a specific feeling is Impossible because everyone has their own definition to a feeling.
The last 2 lines are self explanatory. Those 3 small words (I love you) is a powerful phrase in it's own way. Love is Love. There's no middle bottom or top to it Love is an overpowering feeling and it's been taken for granted for ages. There are different types of love, love for your parents, love for your family, love for your friends, and love for your partner. And by partner I mean someone who you see potential with on the long run not the boy/girl you only know for 3 days and you are convinced you've fallen in love. At the same time it's not said enough, when love really does need to be mention or said it never seems enough. Love is now on the level of Like to some and it's sad. If love isn't as powerful what other word can you use? Will people need to refer to Spanish and it's deeper meanings? What is there left?
Ah Love,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Pedro Infante - 100 años
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Going For It
A few quick rants
After having small talk with a few people (workers from a store my dad works at) we started talking about looks and relationships, I initially said "Well at the moment I'm quite atrocious and I'm not much to look at." One of them turns around looks at me and he says, "On the contrary I find you quite attractive. It's not common to find someone on this side of town (segundo barrio area) who speaks English well and isn't a hooch with kids." After he said that I started laughing, don't ask me why but I found it funny how he expressed himself. Irrational, conceited and snobbish as if he were any better with his quick judgement on people.
After we had that conversation I didn't take notice about what he had said, mainly because I'm initially from that area and grew up there. It's like when you find a golden coin and you start to see if it's real then the paint chips. That's the analogy that I'm giving him, someone who I could of seen myself with if it wasn't for his quick judgements. I judge people yeah but I don't tell the world because I don't know the person whom I am judging well.
The parents and myself went out to eat just to get away from home and my annoying sisters and the little restaurant we go to every Friday there's this guy that sings. Now his singing is amazing I love how he sings if it were up to me I'd stay there all night and just listen to him sing. He's attractive but not my cup of tea. I'm such a little school girl in so many ways because when you look at him too much he'll make his way with his microphone to where you're at and sing to you. So pretty much half the time we were there I'd look at him when he wasn't looking and when he'd turn around I'd quickly glance down with a dumb smirk.
So maybe I am still nervous around guys. At least it isn't every guy it's just certain types of guys. If that makes any sense. I know with peers and random Joe's I'm myself and I try to get along with them but when it's someone that has a talent and he uses it so well I become a mess. Even if I hide behind my tom boy facade I'm still a girly girl on the inside.
The I.N.S Took My Novio Away,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Panic At The Disco - But It's Better if You Do
via FoxyTunes
After having small talk with a few people (workers from a store my dad works at) we started talking about looks and relationships, I initially said "Well at the moment I'm quite atrocious and I'm not much to look at." One of them turns around looks at me and he says, "On the contrary I find you quite attractive. It's not common to find someone on this side of town (segundo barrio area) who speaks English well and isn't a hooch with kids." After he said that I started laughing, don't ask me why but I found it funny how he expressed himself. Irrational, conceited and snobbish as if he were any better with his quick judgement on people.
After we had that conversation I didn't take notice about what he had said, mainly because I'm initially from that area and grew up there. It's like when you find a golden coin and you start to see if it's real then the paint chips. That's the analogy that I'm giving him, someone who I could of seen myself with if it wasn't for his quick judgements. I judge people yeah but I don't tell the world because I don't know the person whom I am judging well.
The parents and myself went out to eat just to get away from home and my annoying sisters and the little restaurant we go to every Friday there's this guy that sings. Now his singing is amazing I love how he sings if it were up to me I'd stay there all night and just listen to him sing. He's attractive but not my cup of tea. I'm such a little school girl in so many ways because when you look at him too much he'll make his way with his microphone to where you're at and sing to you. So pretty much half the time we were there I'd look at him when he wasn't looking and when he'd turn around I'd quickly glance down with a dumb smirk.
So maybe I am still nervous around guys. At least it isn't every guy it's just certain types of guys. If that makes any sense. I know with peers and random Joe's I'm myself and I try to get along with them but when it's someone that has a talent and he uses it so well I become a mess. Even if I hide behind my tom boy facade I'm still a girly girl on the inside.
The I.N.S Took My Novio Away,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Panic At The Disco - But It's Better if You Do
via FoxyTunes
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Inevitable Change
It's time I woman up to situations and start planning my new phase in life. It was nice being a rebellious pain in the ass teen but now it's time to face the fact that it'll be a few months until I'm considered and "Adult" in a few peoples eyes. It's motivated me into getting my act together and figure out what I want out of my life and it seems it has worked.
I was looking at college outside of El Paso a few scholarships financial aid all that good stuff and Baylor seems to be a top choice. So I'll count down the days until I have some money save up get a good car and start stocking up of things and smart up a bit. I'll cross my fingers until I get transferred and accepted but I know good things will come out of that. I'm so excited for that now regardless of all the chaos going on around me that's the only thing I'm looking forward to now. Unfortunately if I become infatuated with the idea of leaving and then not getting accepted well I'll get ready for that hard blow. Luckily I know people going to Baylor and a few who are thinking about transferring to Baylor. In addition to that a friend asked me to Car pool with him so transportation really isn't on my mind so much YET.
I also believe I've been pleasing too many people with their criticism mainly family members and I've finally decided to put my foot down. I've had enough about still being considered the baby of the family so I'm ready to grab life by the horns and steer out of the nest. I know a few posts ago I said I'd stay home and what not, but after having a conversation with my mom I think she thinks that I'm thinking about moving out sometime in the next 2 years. I wouldn't mind but I'm not sure if I'd be able to hang on like my older sister and brother did. It's not like I got pregnant and I'm moving in with the guy who accepted my kid such as what my other sister did. Anyone want a room-mate I know how to clean but I don't know how to cook well!!
The fourth of July was fun, it was nice laying back on the truck and just watching fireworks outside the city limits while listening to music and running into family members. I like my cousins they're easy going and crazy at least the ones on my dads side. My moms cousins I only have a handful that I get along with but their so unreachable now. It's crazy how they all have their own families now and are parents I still remember when we'd be running around through apartments or down the streets of Segundo Barrio.
Some time these next few weeks I'll meet up with past friends have a few drinks and catch up. I know things won't be the same and I'm pretty sure there will be some tension between me and and old best friend. Oh well I'll try to make the best out of it besides alcohol will make it not so awkward after a few drinks so who knows. I also need to make time to make up a hang out day with a few others. Which means I'll need money, and much of it.
As to everything else going on? The lawyer is poking ass so I'm limited to things I can do which sucks. I'm giving it a 2 week wait or else I'm putting things on my own hands and risking it. It's stealing me sleep but I know things will resolve sooner than I expect. I just need to cross my fingers and ask a few others to cross their fingers for me. Actually with this shit on my plate I think it's made me age a bit since it's the one of the few things that has stressed me out to the point of frustration. And it's also sending me to the poor house. Right about now I'm hoping a long lost rich uncle crosses my path and to make up for the loss of time he'd offer me bags filled with cash.
Relationship wise, I have a few options opened and out there and I need to seriously think about how each one will benefit me and the person and if it will cause a strain regarding a few decisions I'll make once the lawyer situation is settled with. The last thing I need is hurting any ones feelings or leading someone on and then leaving to another city. I need time on this and I'll figure out what's the best choice to make.
Lily Allen FTW! Amy Winehouse WTF!
That's what you get,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Blink 182 - First Date
I was looking at college outside of El Paso a few scholarships financial aid all that good stuff and Baylor seems to be a top choice. So I'll count down the days until I have some money save up get a good car and start stocking up of things and smart up a bit. I'll cross my fingers until I get transferred and accepted but I know good things will come out of that. I'm so excited for that now regardless of all the chaos going on around me that's the only thing I'm looking forward to now. Unfortunately if I become infatuated with the idea of leaving and then not getting accepted well I'll get ready for that hard blow. Luckily I know people going to Baylor and a few who are thinking about transferring to Baylor. In addition to that a friend asked me to Car pool with him so transportation really isn't on my mind so much YET.
I also believe I've been pleasing too many people with their criticism mainly family members and I've finally decided to put my foot down. I've had enough about still being considered the baby of the family so I'm ready to grab life by the horns and steer out of the nest. I know a few posts ago I said I'd stay home and what not, but after having a conversation with my mom I think she thinks that I'm thinking about moving out sometime in the next 2 years. I wouldn't mind but I'm not sure if I'd be able to hang on like my older sister and brother did. It's not like I got pregnant and I'm moving in with the guy who accepted my kid such as what my other sister did. Anyone want a room-mate I know how to clean but I don't know how to cook well!!
The fourth of July was fun, it was nice laying back on the truck and just watching fireworks outside the city limits while listening to music and running into family members. I like my cousins they're easy going and crazy at least the ones on my dads side. My moms cousins I only have a handful that I get along with but their so unreachable now. It's crazy how they all have their own families now and are parents I still remember when we'd be running around through apartments or down the streets of Segundo Barrio.
Some time these next few weeks I'll meet up with past friends have a few drinks and catch up. I know things won't be the same and I'm pretty sure there will be some tension between me and and old best friend. Oh well I'll try to make the best out of it besides alcohol will make it not so awkward after a few drinks so who knows. I also need to make time to make up a hang out day with a few others. Which means I'll need money, and much of it.
As to everything else going on? The lawyer is poking ass so I'm limited to things I can do which sucks. I'm giving it a 2 week wait or else I'm putting things on my own hands and risking it. It's stealing me sleep but I know things will resolve sooner than I expect. I just need to cross my fingers and ask a few others to cross their fingers for me. Actually with this shit on my plate I think it's made me age a bit since it's the one of the few things that has stressed me out to the point of frustration. And it's also sending me to the poor house. Right about now I'm hoping a long lost rich uncle crosses my path and to make up for the loss of time he'd offer me bags filled with cash.
Relationship wise, I have a few options opened and out there and I need to seriously think about how each one will benefit me and the person and if it will cause a strain regarding a few decisions I'll make once the lawyer situation is settled with. The last thing I need is hurting any ones feelings or leading someone on and then leaving to another city. I need time on this and I'll figure out what's the best choice to make.
Lily Allen FTW! Amy Winehouse WTF!
That's what you get,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Blink 182 - First Date
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Rambling on
A short blog for short thoughts,
I'm scattered, I'm not all here I'm everywhere. Not in an omnipotent sort of way but you know what I mean.
Once again I find myself over thinking situations and putting on false hopes for things to come it's nearly 3am once again and I'm in thought.
Today pretty much was lame in more than one way but I'm bound to have shitty days (for lack of better words).
The current problems I'm having are throwing me off I know I'll get through it but I'm running out of hope.
I should be asleep but I'm not for many and multiple reasons so I guess I'll just ramble and jot down some more thoughts on here.
The song I'm currently listening to is making me sad, sadder than what I feel and am.
I need something to believe in and I hope it comes sooner than I expect.
I need some air to breathe I feel as if I'm asphyxiating.
I have no where to exit the stage and the audience is a tough crowd for me this week.
Please come soon,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Green Day - Scattered
via FoxyTunes
I'm scattered, I'm not all here I'm everywhere. Not in an omnipotent sort of way but you know what I mean.
Once again I find myself over thinking situations and putting on false hopes for things to come it's nearly 3am once again and I'm in thought.
Today pretty much was lame in more than one way but I'm bound to have shitty days (for lack of better words).
The current problems I'm having are throwing me off I know I'll get through it but I'm running out of hope.
I should be asleep but I'm not for many and multiple reasons so I guess I'll just ramble and jot down some more thoughts on here.
The song I'm currently listening to is making me sad, sadder than what I feel and am.
I need something to believe in and I hope it comes sooner than I expect.
I need some air to breathe I feel as if I'm asphyxiating.
I have no where to exit the stage and the audience is a tough crowd for me this week.
Please come soon,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Green Day - Scattered
via FoxyTunes
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Kiss me Baybeh
Pros and cons about relationships are up on the air. Relationships are nice to a certain extent but I've been really reluctant into tangling myself in one once again. I've grown into liking being on my own so far, no drama no worrying about fulfilling someones desires just doing what I want. Especially now knowing how hectic things are getting for me in a way.
On the other hand I've missed having someone to run into and just hugging for hours. Or that insatiable flutter that my heart feels when affection overfills it. Even the having someones hand to hold on to holding it for the hell of it. Kissing someone spontaneously feeling the warmth someone else other than you gives off. I love relationships I just don't like having them end or get too serious too quick.
Maybe I am a little love sick, and maybe I am feeling like a noble gas aloof and alone but... it's OK. I won't die because I don't have someone to share my affections with but in seriousness I just need to find someone who has the same likings as I. From music, books, movies, clothing, colors, beliefs, thoughts and attitude. I know I want a complex individual who isn't read easy like a book to others but to me like a work of art. I know it's so much to ask for like I'm in a Disney Princess movie but I want to find him.
I don't care that my brother-in-law calls me "Cinderella" when he sees me in rags and helping out keeping the house clean. It just boosts my self esteem, after all, Cinderella really did snagged the guy at the end. I've proven to myself already if I 'try' I can look stunning, maybe I should 'try' more often and maybe I'll find what I'm looking for.
And intellectual guy that will stimulate my brain cells. Yeah. That's sexy. I don't know I just want a smart guy to enlighten me just not too smart to the point where I bore him with my knowledge. He's out there I know it the world is Diverse. For now I'm sticking to my guns and focusing on what I NEED not what I WANT. (Oh economics how I miss Thee)
If anyone sees this man who can tickle me smart, and entertain me for hours on the things in which I don't know. Please direct him toward me. I promise I will be an Extraordinary Girl. (lame ass)
Be Still my heart,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Green Day - Extraordinary Girl
via FoxyTunes
On the other hand I've missed having someone to run into and just hugging for hours. Or that insatiable flutter that my heart feels when affection overfills it. Even the having someones hand to hold on to holding it for the hell of it. Kissing someone spontaneously feeling the warmth someone else other than you gives off. I love relationships I just don't like having them end or get too serious too quick.
Maybe I am a little love sick, and maybe I am feeling like a noble gas aloof and alone but... it's OK. I won't die because I don't have someone to share my affections with but in seriousness I just need to find someone who has the same likings as I. From music, books, movies, clothing, colors, beliefs, thoughts and attitude. I know I want a complex individual who isn't read easy like a book to others but to me like a work of art. I know it's so much to ask for like I'm in a Disney Princess movie but I want to find him.
I don't care that my brother-in-law calls me "Cinderella" when he sees me in rags and helping out keeping the house clean. It just boosts my self esteem, after all, Cinderella really did snagged the guy at the end. I've proven to myself already if I 'try' I can look stunning, maybe I should 'try' more often and maybe I'll find what I'm looking for.
And intellectual guy that will stimulate my brain cells. Yeah. That's sexy. I don't know I just want a smart guy to enlighten me just not too smart to the point where I bore him with my knowledge. He's out there I know it the world is Diverse. For now I'm sticking to my guns and focusing on what I NEED not what I WANT. (Oh economics how I miss Thee)
If anyone sees this man who can tickle me smart, and entertain me for hours on the things in which I don't know. Please direct him toward me. I promise I will be an Extraordinary Girl. (lame ass)
Be Still my heart,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Listening to: Green Day - Extraordinary Girl
via FoxyTunes
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Unmet Expectations
Never expect things to go your way. No matter how hard you plan they always go the way you LEAST expect them.
I posted the moral of this post first just for the sake of now restating Friday - Sunday events.
- Got the haircut
- Got the clothing
- Got the nice shoes
But aside from that, everyone related to me seemed to have an Attitude on Saturday. Which lead to the conclusion amongst my sisters and myself that dad is starting to get jealous when I go out with a friend of the opposite sex. I must say I looked 'stunning' on Saturday as I left the house everyone was commenting how great I look and how beautiful yada-yada. My dad on the other hand gave me cold shoulder, then looked at me and said bye.
THAT killed my happy mood. I should not care but hey it stung. Sooner or later I'm going to pack my stuff and leaves and he knows it, but for now I'm sticking around for the sake of not being a needy person and relying on them while out of the house.
Anyway, Eddie was a great person to be with that day it was nice talking to him and hanging with him. I'm glad he's one of my long term friends we don't have much in common but we've never really gotten on to each others nerves. Which is good. Although the hole night I was contemplating on telling him one of my 'bigger' secrets that only a select few people (5 approximately) know. So on the way home I told him and I think he took it... well. He was nervous at first but then he laughed it off and made me feel better about it by being a smart ass about it and making me laugh.
Maybe that was the 1 good thing that came out of this entire weekend after I told him that it felt like our friendship got stronger. Now I think back and say "Why didn't I tell him earlier I should of known better."
So in 3 weeks I see a Lawyer, this should go well I hope maybe things will turn around for the better sooner. For mean whiles I should get the necessary things to get this resolved, I know things will go well and things will be normal once again with a few changes. Oh someone pray for my sorry ass.
Some day I will get in the car and go on a drive from El Paso to Las Cruces and back with the radio loud playing easy listening love songs and just drive off to nowhere. If this my way of romanticising with myself I don't care but I know I'm in need of some romance. ( shut up) I'll try dragging someone with me and just talk away all night then we'll stop at IHOP or somewhere and eat breakfast.
Yeah... That's it..
Living in a Dream,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Now playing: Angels And Airwaves - It Hurts
via FoxyTunes
I posted the moral of this post first just for the sake of now restating Friday - Sunday events.
- Got the haircut
- Got the clothing
- Got the nice shoes
But aside from that, everyone related to me seemed to have an Attitude on Saturday. Which lead to the conclusion amongst my sisters and myself that dad is starting to get jealous when I go out with a friend of the opposite sex. I must say I looked 'stunning' on Saturday as I left the house everyone was commenting how great I look and how beautiful yada-yada. My dad on the other hand gave me cold shoulder, then looked at me and said bye.
THAT killed my happy mood. I should not care but hey it stung. Sooner or later I'm going to pack my stuff and leaves and he knows it, but for now I'm sticking around for the sake of not being a needy person and relying on them while out of the house.
Anyway, Eddie was a great person to be with that day it was nice talking to him and hanging with him. I'm glad he's one of my long term friends we don't have much in common but we've never really gotten on to each others nerves. Which is good. Although the hole night I was contemplating on telling him one of my 'bigger' secrets that only a select few people (5 approximately) know. So on the way home I told him and I think he took it... well. He was nervous at first but then he laughed it off and made me feel better about it by being a smart ass about it and making me laugh.
Maybe that was the 1 good thing that came out of this entire weekend after I told him that it felt like our friendship got stronger. Now I think back and say "Why didn't I tell him earlier I should of known better."
So in 3 weeks I see a Lawyer, this should go well I hope maybe things will turn around for the better sooner. For mean whiles I should get the necessary things to get this resolved, I know things will go well and things will be normal once again with a few changes. Oh someone pray for my sorry ass.
Some day I will get in the car and go on a drive from El Paso to Las Cruces and back with the radio loud playing easy listening love songs and just drive off to nowhere. If this my way of romanticising with myself I don't care but I know I'm in need of some romance. ( shut up) I'll try dragging someone with me and just talk away all night then we'll stop at IHOP or somewhere and eat breakfast.
Yeah... That's it..
Living in a Dream,
The Eccedentesiast
----------------
Now playing: Angels And Airwaves - It Hurts
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Melancholic Reactions
I slept most of the day today and I can't get my eyelids to touch each other long enough to go into sleep mode.
It's nearly 3am I'm texting and messaging people the few who are crazy enough to stay up just for the hell of staying up. What sucks about not being able to sleep at night is the fact that it's all quiet and you have time to let things sink in and think about the most random shit that comes into your mind. Even if it's about a rock you kicked it all just drowns your mind. It makes me feel like I'm going insane just thinking about stuff and never finding the end of issues. Eh, they'll all sort out eventually.
Fathers day is officially today, I don't officially have a present but I do in a way. It's hard to explain but he'll understand it. An issue I have with fathers day is how to approach dad, like with a hug a hand shake it all feel un-natural. It's not forced because I do mean it but I guess I'm not 'close' with my dad as I am with my mother. I could ask those who I rely on but they either don't have a dad, hate their dad, have a step dad, or don't really give a shit. I'll come up with something... some how.
On to news, I got a hair cut shorter than I usually cut it and I forget i have short hair and I expect to just pick up my hair and have a pony tail BUT no all I have is a little stub for a pony tail I feel bald. I do wish I had a gay hairstylist it be nice to have that extra helpful input. Someone to put me back in place when I pic a really bad hair style. The extra ump to the do.
I am looking forward for Saturday though it should be fun although dressing semi-formal for once is taking me out of my comfort zone mainly because of the short hair, the different style of shoes, clothing etc, I like it but I'm so used to the 'usual'.
Which leads me to this. I'm settling with the things I do and growing accustomed to the same ol' same ol'. I should do something about it, I should do something different, I should go out and look for better things BUT I just don't. This will sort out as well just not at the moment.
- I just re read the blog and I had more to say but I just seem to have forgotten what I was going to say-
A few last personal words
I've been feeling melancholic for some reason, with a really empty feeling in my stomach and a flutter in my heart. I feel happy but stationed not progressing or regressing just...there. Deep down I feel the thunder approaching with rain storming after it and when the clouds have fallen here will come the rain
Getting ready for the hurricane,
The Eccedentesiast
It's nearly 3am I'm texting and messaging people the few who are crazy enough to stay up just for the hell of staying up. What sucks about not being able to sleep at night is the fact that it's all quiet and you have time to let things sink in and think about the most random shit that comes into your mind. Even if it's about a rock you kicked it all just drowns your mind. It makes me feel like I'm going insane just thinking about stuff and never finding the end of issues. Eh, they'll all sort out eventually.
Fathers day is officially today, I don't officially have a present but I do in a way. It's hard to explain but he'll understand it. An issue I have with fathers day is how to approach dad, like with a hug a hand shake it all feel un-natural. It's not forced because I do mean it but I guess I'm not 'close' with my dad as I am with my mother. I could ask those who I rely on but they either don't have a dad, hate their dad, have a step dad, or don't really give a shit. I'll come up with something... some how.
On to news, I got a hair cut shorter than I usually cut it and I forget i have short hair and I expect to just pick up my hair and have a pony tail BUT no all I have is a little stub for a pony tail I feel bald. I do wish I had a gay hairstylist it be nice to have that extra helpful input. Someone to put me back in place when I pic a really bad hair style. The extra ump to the do.
I am looking forward for Saturday though it should be fun although dressing semi-formal for once is taking me out of my comfort zone mainly because of the short hair, the different style of shoes, clothing etc, I like it but I'm so used to the 'usual'.
Which leads me to this. I'm settling with the things I do and growing accustomed to the same ol' same ol'. I should do something about it, I should do something different, I should go out and look for better things BUT I just don't. This will sort out as well just not at the moment.
- I just re read the blog and I had more to say but I just seem to have forgotten what I was going to say-
A few last personal words
I've been feeling melancholic for some reason, with a really empty feeling in my stomach and a flutter in my heart. I feel happy but stationed not progressing or regressing just...there. Deep down I feel the thunder approaching with rain storming after it and when the clouds have fallen here will come the rain
Getting ready for the hurricane,
The Eccedentesiast
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Complete Transition
Self - reflections are threatening and really makes a person question whether or not what you are trying to accomplish is really worth it in the end. And yes I did reflect it's been a year and a month that I don't reflect and maybe I'm biting too much, not chewing enough and not swallowing the pieces down.
For one I don't know what's the best decision for me at the moment every thing's muddy and just spread out there. If my mind doesn't make me crazy I don't know what will. I've been so deep in though that I finally found myself arguing with me If that makes any sense. Whether or not I've made too many irrational decisions and not really put some thought into it. The more I think about these 'irrational decisions' the more I end up thinking of different out comes. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I've come up with different endings on any decision I've ever made and it's driving me insane because I don't have a solid plan on the long run. What a nut case eh?
Other than those economic problems going on at home, I shake it off because money problems can be solved. I also believe that these things happen for a reason, and in this case it brought my sister and brother in law back to earth and out of their clouds of money. Money won't last forever and isn't everything one should look forward to that theory has been proven and shown and I saw it evolve and turn into the mess it's gotten part of my family in. Lesson learned time to move on.
I questioned myself why I gone into a phase of deep thought and reflection and the only outcome of this is that what lays ahead of me the decisions and things I do will affect tomorrow. I guess I do come off as an asshole 95% of the time with the tone of voice and the phrasing I use to ask/say things. It's a no brainer why my sisters would get pissed at me when I'd come up to them in a really "bad-ass" attitude. Hell I'd get pissed at me too but fuck it, it happened it's in the past now it's over.
I ran across a few letters and I read and re-read them, I guess I felt melancholic like I wanted to run after everyone who where someone and matter and give them a hug catch up with them have a few drinks and move on. Although I know that it's impossible every one's scattered all over. Then I look at the pictures prom, homecoming, I realized how childish all that seems now and how self centered everyone was back then.
That was then, this is now. The now seems so confusing and stressful but in the end it is what it is.
I'm just a Teenage Dirtbag,
The Eccedentesiast
For one I don't know what's the best decision for me at the moment every thing's muddy and just spread out there. If my mind doesn't make me crazy I don't know what will. I've been so deep in though that I finally found myself arguing with me If that makes any sense. Whether or not I've made too many irrational decisions and not really put some thought into it. The more I think about these 'irrational decisions' the more I end up thinking of different out comes. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I've come up with different endings on any decision I've ever made and it's driving me insane because I don't have a solid plan on the long run. What a nut case eh?
Other than those economic problems going on at home, I shake it off because money problems can be solved. I also believe that these things happen for a reason, and in this case it brought my sister and brother in law back to earth and out of their clouds of money. Money won't last forever and isn't everything one should look forward to that theory has been proven and shown and I saw it evolve and turn into the mess it's gotten part of my family in. Lesson learned time to move on.
I questioned myself why I gone into a phase of deep thought and reflection and the only outcome of this is that what lays ahead of me the decisions and things I do will affect tomorrow. I guess I do come off as an asshole 95% of the time with the tone of voice and the phrasing I use to ask/say things. It's a no brainer why my sisters would get pissed at me when I'd come up to them in a really "bad-ass" attitude. Hell I'd get pissed at me too but fuck it, it happened it's in the past now it's over.
I ran across a few letters and I read and re-read them, I guess I felt melancholic like I wanted to run after everyone who where someone and matter and give them a hug catch up with them have a few drinks and move on. Although I know that it's impossible every one's scattered all over. Then I look at the pictures prom, homecoming, I realized how childish all that seems now and how self centered everyone was back then.
That was then, this is now. The now seems so confusing and stressful but in the end it is what it is.
I'm just a Teenage Dirtbag,
The Eccedentesiast
Friday, May 30, 2008
Ripen and True
Witnessing love at it's best is truly a remarkable thing it makes you feel serenity and peace within ones self. I believe I witness it every morning and every evening. Many people don't truly know the potential how far and how long love can go. Or many simply don't find it and settle.
When my parents talk to each other (if and when in good terms), it's like they've never aged and are still in the courtship period. You can see the love they have just by watching them and listening to how they talk. He looks at her with such glow in his eyes the exact way when he first met her from afar. She talk to him as if it was their first date and she's trying to reel him in and make him hers forever.
I look at other married couples and everyone seems to be different some cold some too distant, maybe that's what the years do to a couple it distance them and things aren't so great like expected. Maybe that's why people divorce when they're older or some just don't because they've grown accustomed to waking up next to that aging person and living with them.
I don't want my "love" to be like that I do hope it's similar like my parents and not feel routine not going anywhere.
Once i heard them over talking and they made a pact that later on shattered me inside from sadness but was so sweet.
My dad tells my mom
My mom looks at my dad and nods she then says
I get chills just thinking about their conversation but what they have is eternal love. (Amor Eterno).
Faithful and True,
The eccedentesiast
When my parents talk to each other (if and when in good terms), it's like they've never aged and are still in the courtship period. You can see the love they have just by watching them and listening to how they talk. He looks at her with such glow in his eyes the exact way when he first met her from afar. She talk to him as if it was their first date and she's trying to reel him in and make him hers forever.
I look at other married couples and everyone seems to be different some cold some too distant, maybe that's what the years do to a couple it distance them and things aren't so great like expected. Maybe that's why people divorce when they're older or some just don't because they've grown accustomed to waking up next to that aging person and living with them.
I don't want my "love" to be like that I do hope it's similar like my parents and not feel routine not going anywhere.
Once i heard them over talking and they made a pact that later on shattered me inside from sadness but was so sweet.
My dad tells my mom
"Lets make a deal, If you die first don't leave here for long promise me you'll come get me"
My mom looks at my dad and nods she then says
"Fine. If you die first come quickly for me because I know I won't bare being with out you for too long"
I get chills just thinking about their conversation but what they have is eternal love. (Amor Eterno).
Faithful and True,
The eccedentesiast
Monday, May 19, 2008
Growing Old
When I look at my nephew I see a little kid who would have a malicious laugh and was afraid of big dogs and cuts. A mental memory that I wish to see him like that forever, in reality he's a soon to be teenager who thinks for himself and has his own mind now. THAT breaks me.
I was talking to a friend the other day and he had mentioned to me that his 13 yr old brother has a girlfriend for sexual favors. When he told me that everything went into a screeching halt. I've forgotten how everyone is during that age curious and discovering words then a meaning then the action. It bothered me because he follows me around and looks up to me and for me to be AWARE that he may be thinking about Sex and it's pleasures really struck a nerve. The down side of this is the fact that he listens to me and respects me everyone WANTS me to have "THE TALK" with him.
First off I know I don't mind talking about sex with my peers but with a younger family member? That's different. Secondly, if I use the wrong wording he'll think it's OK to go humping around person to person. Thirdly if anything does happen later on as the years progress it'll be my doing for my HORRIFIC explanation. Fourthly, I AM NOT a parent yet.
It is what it is, I'll try my best and hopefully I give him the best rational and reasonable explanation I can come up with.
Another thing that's been on my mind is Pregnancy. And no I'm not thinking about bearing a child. Humph. Lately the word on text messages is that a handful of people I know/knew of are pregnant. I'm not against this not at all by all means have babies just don't ask me to baby sit. But, in all seriousness, It freaks me out a bit. The thought of having to be responsible for someone who cannot provide for ones self and is dependant scares me. I've come to the conclusion that at the moment I am not emotionally/physically/intelligently/economically prepared for a child. Kids like me I know because any kid I'm near wants me to carry them. Do I see myself as a mother? No. Not at all. Will I be a good enough mother? Probably not. You get the point.
On a lighter note. Mother and I have become closer, and by this I mean she's revealed a bit about their *mom and dads* courting period. I've learned a few things on what to expect in a future relationship (if any). Apparently, my mom and I feel the same when it comes to a relationship. The whole old fashion falling for love not looks deal. I like the way my parents met and how they fought all odds to be together.
Here's a little history My dad was a looker according to mom who had many ladies in his life but saw something special in my mom at a like carnival thing. Mom left to California came back and ran into my dad many times after she came back it was as if fate or chance brought them together many times. 36 yrs later they're still keeping it alive.
Love Conquers All,
The Eccedentesiast
I was talking to a friend the other day and he had mentioned to me that his 13 yr old brother has a girlfriend for sexual favors. When he told me that everything went into a screeching halt. I've forgotten how everyone is during that age curious and discovering words then a meaning then the action. It bothered me because he follows me around and looks up to me and for me to be AWARE that he may be thinking about Sex and it's pleasures really struck a nerve. The down side of this is the fact that he listens to me and respects me everyone WANTS me to have "THE TALK" with him.
First off I know I don't mind talking about sex with my peers but with a younger family member? That's different. Secondly, if I use the wrong wording he'll think it's OK to go humping around person to person. Thirdly if anything does happen later on as the years progress it'll be my doing for my HORRIFIC explanation. Fourthly, I AM NOT a parent yet.
It is what it is, I'll try my best and hopefully I give him the best rational and reasonable explanation I can come up with.
Another thing that's been on my mind is Pregnancy. And no I'm not thinking about bearing a child. Humph. Lately the word on text messages is that a handful of people I know/knew of are pregnant. I'm not against this not at all by all means have babies just don't ask me to baby sit. But, in all seriousness, It freaks me out a bit. The thought of having to be responsible for someone who cannot provide for ones self and is dependant scares me. I've come to the conclusion that at the moment I am not emotionally/physically/intelligently/economically prepared for a child. Kids like me I know because any kid I'm near wants me to carry them. Do I see myself as a mother? No. Not at all. Will I be a good enough mother? Probably not. You get the point.
On a lighter note. Mother and I have become closer, and by this I mean she's revealed a bit about their *mom and dads* courting period. I've learned a few things on what to expect in a future relationship (if any). Apparently, my mom and I feel the same when it comes to a relationship. The whole old fashion falling for love not looks deal. I like the way my parents met and how they fought all odds to be together.
Here's a little history My dad was a looker according to mom who had many ladies in his life but saw something special in my mom at a like carnival thing. Mom left to California came back and ran into my dad many times after she came back it was as if fate or chance brought them together many times. 36 yrs later they're still keeping it alive.
Love Conquers All,
The Eccedentesiast
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
New Found Respect
Things between my sisters and myself haven't been as "tight" as they used to. One day we find ourselves arguing over idiotic things such as "that tone of voice she uses" "the way she acts with me" and so on and so forth. Then the minute we stop spitting poison toward one another we're stabbing each others back.
I blame this on 2 things;
After that nonsense was done, I was casually reading when my oldest sister and mom are having a conversation on who's the prettiest out of all 3 sisters. Of course my oldest sister has a shitty personality but she's beautiful, the other was pretty when young but now she looks like a hag, and now my eldest sister admits I've grown to be a looker. ME a LOOKER? PUHH-LEASE! Was she drunk/high that day I'll never know but she said it with such sincerity I was taken away at the fact that SHE "Ms. I-will-never-get-married-because-I-love-the-single-life-and-I-want-to-have-every-man-I-can-get- my-hands on" admitted that! To me that was like the underdog of every story getting the winning role. You know my Shrek story in a really weird way. My own world series with that comment, I would go back in time with a recorder and record that because she will NEVER admit she said that.
To me that means a renewed way I look at myself rather than being that little bad ass and pushing everyone away and out of my way, maybe I should change my ways only a little and see how far it gets me. Why don't I change because, it's like changing my entire belief system and buying into what everyone wants me to be.
Maybe I'm letting this get to my head a little, but it's not everyday a hard-assed sister says that toward the naive inexperienced sister.
Just a little less Stressed,
The Eccedentesiast
I blame this on 2 things;
- Dad's attitude that we were born with
- Dad's genes
After that nonsense was done, I was casually reading when my oldest sister and mom are having a conversation on who's the prettiest out of all 3 sisters. Of course my oldest sister has a shitty personality but she's beautiful, the other was pretty when young but now she looks like a hag, and now my eldest sister admits I've grown to be a looker. ME a LOOKER? PUHH-LEASE! Was she drunk/high that day I'll never know but she said it with such sincerity I was taken away at the fact that SHE "Ms. I-will-never-get-married-because-I-love-the-single-life-and-I-want-to-have-every-man-I-can-get- my-hands on" admitted that! To me that was like the underdog of every story getting the winning role. You know my Shrek story in a really weird way. My own world series with that comment, I would go back in time with a recorder and record that because she will NEVER admit she said that.
To me that means a renewed way I look at myself rather than being that little bad ass and pushing everyone away and out of my way, maybe I should change my ways only a little and see how far it gets me. Why don't I change because, it's like changing my entire belief system and buying into what everyone wants me to be.
Maybe I'm letting this get to my head a little, but it's not everyday a hard-assed sister says that toward the naive inexperienced sister.
Just a little less Stressed,
The Eccedentesiast
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The Hidden Genius
These last few days I've been watching "SLC PUNK!" and I must watch it with my nephew mainly because he needs a guide and someone who he can talk to rather than just teachers. As Is he goes through quite a bit with his parents not really paying much attention to him. Hopefully I can be a hand to guide him and not, not care for school and better himself.
I know contradicting sounding from me but I had my reasons I was the way I was in school and still am. Anyway, back to the point...
My beloved little buddy of a nephew was caught copying a "really important tests answers". Of course you can imagine how angry my sister was. I kinda just smirked and asked him why he did it and shrugged if off later explaining what Exactly happened. I was incredibly surprised my sister had NO clue what-so-ever as to what had happened.
A few days later my dad and I had one of our family talks, he said:
I looked at him and said:
Of course my dad was really surprised I had something to say about it. The reason why I want to watch "SLC Punk!" with my nephew is not to corrupt him at all, after all that movie really has nothing to do with corruption whatsoever in my opinion. I just want him to see that to do things you need a reason and motivation to continue the struggle of accomplishing what one desires or wishes. Not just do random shit just to look "cool, suave, amazing," you know to "Fit in" with the crowd or be "accepted".
I just wish to be an important person in my nephews life, he's a GT student and needs someone to feed him random thought provokers and make his little mind think outside the box and not be materialistic or stay inside the box that society sets out for the average person. He has the potential to be someone important but he's usually pressured to do things that he is/does/and.
Why shouldn't Anthony be a Football player? List:
To conclude this, I strongly believe my nephew is a hidden genius. He comprehends things that most kids his age don't and he has a very immense creativity which I applaud him for. Unfortunately, I don't tell him I'm proud of him much but I have my own special way to show him. I just hope and pray I can influence in any given way. He's a good kid and I love him dearly. For a fact I know I will always be around and have my "words of wisdom" if he ever needs any advise or opinon after all he'll be 13 in October.
Sincerly,
The Eccedentesiast
I know contradicting sounding from me but I had my reasons I was the way I was in school and still am. Anyway, back to the point...
My beloved little buddy of a nephew was caught copying a "really important tests answers". Of course you can imagine how angry my sister was. I kinda just smirked and asked him why he did it and shrugged if off later explaining what Exactly happened. I was incredibly surprised my sister had NO clue what-so-ever as to what had happened.
A few days later my dad and I had one of our family talks, he said:
"You know mija, Anthony is a really bright boy."
"I know dad, but no one really listens to him he's got really interesting ideas, and beliefs already. He always wants to talk to me and likes listening to me talk about what i believe and tells me what he thinks. Sadly he's beginning to be mediocre."
I just wish to be an important person in my nephews life, he's a GT student and needs someone to feed him random thought provokers and make his little mind think outside the box and not be materialistic or stay inside the box that society sets out for the average person. He has the potential to be someone important but he's usually pressured to do things that he is/does/and.
- Not Interested
- Doesn't understand
- Only in his parents interest
- Just because my sisters sister in law has her kid doing
- So he can be out of the house
Why shouldn't Anthony be a Football player? List:
- He hates running
- He's too into his hair
- He can be lazy
- He's way to thin
- He has broken his collar bone and it looks funky
- He has a medical condition with his Thyroids
To conclude this, I strongly believe my nephew is a hidden genius. He comprehends things that most kids his age don't and he has a very immense creativity which I applaud him for. Unfortunately, I don't tell him I'm proud of him much but I have my own special way to show him. I just hope and pray I can influence in any given way. He's a good kid and I love him dearly. For a fact I know I will always be around and have my "words of wisdom" if he ever needs any advise or opinon after all he'll be 13 in October.
Sincerly,
The Eccedentesiast
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And what about me?! I have no mention in ANY of your blog posts. :(